More to Come..

For a while now I have been putting off a few blogs in order to save them for when I am done with R&R, to make sure that I spend all of the time I can with my loved ones and friends and maximize my little break.  I have been hit by the "urge" on a couple of occasions but I pushed it off, thinking that I will save them for when I am back down range and will have all of the time I could possibly need to write out a nice long, in-depth post.  Well now, I am a lucky bastard once again, and although I don't mention it very often, I really do think I am a lucky bastard quite often, but in this case it is the fact that the the entire Southern United States has been hit by ice and snow at the most opportune time.  That opportune time is right before I was supposed to return from R&R.  So now I have been snowed in for an extra couple of days here in the U.S.  I feel like I haven't written in too long so I just wanted to get something down.  I have some very good posts planned including some other blog reviews, a couple of book reviews and then some of my own adventures into my Christmas gifts including my lock pick kit that I am going to learn to use.  I will also be starting a new regimen to get into shape as my current shape is much too round  for my taste (even though the getting round is fun, lots of sweets and good food).  So do not fear there is more good stuff to come, just exercise a little patience....

The Blog of Mike Bridgman

Ok, so my first post of my "New Direction" is already here, see how great things are moving along already?  The Blog of Mike Bridgman...   While the name may or may not leave something to be desired depending on what your taste for a catchy title should be, the blog itself is actualy quite, well, wonderful.  I am not sure what the theme or purpose behind the blog is, and I actually think that it might not have one at all.  Which isn't such a bad thing as it leaves him open to discuss all kinds of fun things.  The man himself is quite interesting as I have exchanged an email or two with him and seen some of his ideas at work.  I know that one project I can't wait to see finished is his bio page, which really is actually a project, not just him writing a bio, as crazy as that might be...  Mike does have a full time job as a web designer, and he also does freelance work in the field as well on an, if I am not too busy to get to it basis.  He does have samples of work that he has done in the past, and I dare say that his blog is quite attractive itself, in an I don't want to attract to much attention kind of way.  Now, although there are elements of web page design in his blog, that isn't really as far as I can tell, what is blog is all about.

New Direction

I have to say that it is amazing what pure boredom can produce. I have been spending my days fighting heavyweight bouts with boredom. It has gotten to the point that at night, when normal people are usually sleeping (well at least most of the semi-normal people, not that I am quite sure what normal even means. I mean, normal is just the average of behavior of all things that are like the thing that you are talking about isn't it? Oh wait, we are not discussing normality, I actually have something important to say...)... Like I was saying, when normal people are usually sleeping, I have been finding that I am so far gone over the boundary of the land of boredom that I can not even start to begin to get to sleep. In these fits of not sleeping even when I am so exhaustingly trying to sleep, my brain starts to kick into overdrive (or maybe it is just going from neutral to drive...), and I have all kinds of crazy ideas and daydreams that just happen to be occurring at night.

One of these ideas, among many others, stuck me as pure genius. Then I continued to think about it and although it did strike me as pure genius, I do have to say that to any other person it would probably only seem to be a bit of common sense. I was rather disappointed in this observation so I continued to think on it until it came full circle back to be pure genius and I all around felt swell about the entire idea.

To recreate one's own work?

I was writing an email to the pretty much only person I ever write emails to anymore and something came up. We have this thing going back and forth where we put a quote in the subject line(well mostly her, since most of my subjects start with Re:). I decided to do my occasional (maybe very occasional?) input into the little quirk by looking up a quote to put in. I came across this quote that struck me like, as my friend used to say, a sucker punch right to the brain...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St Vincent Millay

Who we are

What is this place? This world? Is the road mine to take where I want or am I on a path out of control that will throw me off whenever it wants? I am only a man. What is a man? Is he a king of his domain, is the world his oyster? Or is he the plankton in the ocean, a spec of sand on the beach? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say, but who are they, and how do they know? What makes this life worth living... Sometimes I feel as if I have all of the answers... Sometimes I feel like I am five years old again and trying to do calculus. I am many things but yet I am nothing. I am every one of you, but you are none of me. I am none of you but you are all of me.

Just a Quickie...

As the title suggests this is a very fast and furious post to update all two maybe (and that is a very thin and stretched maybe) three of you who read this few and far between blog on a few important matters.

1. I am currently deployed to Afghanistan.

2. That was really the only important thing I had to say.

On a serious not though folks, yes I am currently deployed and will be for the normal tour of approximately a year (unless things change which they can and usually do but we hope for the best around here). What does this mean to you? Well not much that really affects your normal daily life... that is unless you know me personally (and those of you that I do.... just keep that to yourself please). Some things that may affect you as a loving and avid reader of my so called blog are that I have limited access to the internet and everything on it. There is a good side to all of this though.... with my current surrounding and environment I may have more and better content worth writing about so it may actually improve my blog content and not hinder it in any way. This is only a possibility and quickly scatted through my noggin, but it is possible none the less.

So I think that about covers it... I hope to let you hear from me sooner rather than later.... cheerio mate (been hanging around too many Brits I suppose....)

Already Gone...

I know I need to do this, but it seems my motivation is lacking and content unknown to me. I decided to just start writing and let my mind wander and the words flow forth. Which oddly enough is what I normally do anyways, just with a little direction to start with... I am gone from the United States now.... in a country that ends with a "stan" and on my way to another one that ends with a "stan". So I am gone again, away from family and friends, away from convenience and freedom. I sometimes look back on my life and think all I am ever doing is leaving. I wonder why I would think of it that way... Why not see it as always going somewhere instead of always leaving someone? Is it better that I look upon the sadness of leaving loved ones or that I should look to the enjoyment of going new places. Except most of the places I seem to go are not by choice and really aren't that enjoyable. And yet I seem to deal with leaving extraordinarily well compared to most people I know and see. Is it because I was never really close to many people when I was young? Is it because I moved around and lived with different parents? I have no idea, but I hate the idea that calls out to me every time I broach the subject in my mind. That I am good at leaving... If there was something to ever be good at, is this something anyone should want to be good at? Makes me think about the song Should've Been A Cowboy by Toby Keith...

I bet you've never heard ole Marshall Dylan say
Miss Kitty have you ever thought of running away
Settling down would you marry me
If I ask you twice and beg you pretty please
She'd of said Yes in a New York minute
They never tied the knot
His heart wasn't in it
He just stole a kiss as he road away
He never hung his hat up, at Kitty's place

You can call me whiny...

Why is it that I turn to writing in order to fully express myself. Spoken word never seems to convey what strikes at my inner chords as well as the written form. Is it that I can go back and edit them over and over again to get them just right? I always wonder this as I return here over and over again (although it is sporadically I know and apologize.) Although this really has nothing to do with why I am visiting you here once again.

This is about longing. Not the feeling of when you want something specific to eat... That is just a craving, very temporary and easily sated. Longing is so much more. A soul churning, aching, painful and emotional pull on your very being. Feeling like part of who you are is missing and all you want in life is to bring it back to its rightful place. I have been longing for something. I have been needing it ever since the first time it came into my life. How is it that something you never even knew existed only a moment before can instantly be so vital to you that you feel half empty without it, like you don't even know how you lived this long not even knowing it was missing. Now what if this object of your desire is so close and yet always seems to be out of reach? Whether it is just outside, down the road, across town, across the country or even the world... it constantly feels like no matter what genius plan or plot you think up in order to bring it close, there is always a reason that it must stay away... Maybe I am romanticizing and overreacting you would say... Well, maybe I am... I have been without far too long and it gnaws at my essence, my will, my sanity... What last week may have been simply a nuisance is this week maddening. How many excuses can one mind withstand before it starts to fracture and fail? Granted, I have not given in to such an extreme end of the scale as to lose my reasoning and understanding.. But I am forced to wonder if that may become an issue in the future.

For now distance is not a limiting factor, but in the future it will be. If the situation now, when being so close, drives me this batty... what will it be when there is half the world in the way? Will it be easier since there is so obvious a barrier to stop me from having what it is I seek? Or will it only enhance the aggravation, disappointment and boiling anger that I already feel rising within me? I have been through many trials in life... separation, loneliness, physical, emotional and monetary hardships, betrayal and the list can roll on... Is having something that you ache for so close but still unable to have with you... is that worse than anything else?

As most of you know I do not like to talk about my job often, but here I think that there is a reason to discuss something. There are many things that are very unique to military life. One that I think is very hard for anyone else to understand is this... The sense of urgency, of time running out, how you have to squeeze all of the joy and time out of life, because you know you will be leaving again soon... To know that you will not see these places, smell this air, taste this food... and more importantly, to look into her eyes, to smell her hair, to taste her kiss, and to hold her in your arms... Those are things that can drive you, for good or ill... To let go of your routines and the daily life that most of you live... To think, if I never see this place, my house, my car, my home town... To think if I never see these people, my mother, father, my sons and daughters, my wife (or husband)... If I never see them again when I walk away this time... What will I remember in my last moment, and what will they remember for the rest of theirs? Does that make you question how you are living life? Does it make you wonder how could someone ever do such a thing? Can you do it? Can you do it over and over again? That is what today's military faces year after year... they volunteer to do it... Now I won't say that they volunteer to do it for you, for America, for our government... no I won't say that... I will say that they do it for their one stop light home towns, for their parents and grandparents, for their wives (and husbands) and for their children. They don't do it for you, they don't even know you, they do it for the people they care about. You are just a lucky benefactor, a side effect.

But back to business... If you had to walk away from this life, for and undetermined amount of time... Would it make you anxious? Hurried? Rushed? Desperate even? What would you spend your time before you left doing? Who would you spend your time with? Now, what if that person you wanted to spend your time with... what if you couldn't? Would you describe the feeling of wanting to spend time with that person... would you describe as a deep soul aching longing? I think I have brought this full circle...

Letter to self

Dear Self,

Why don't you ever stay on schedule with my schedule? Why is it that when I need to go to sleep you want to stay up and when I need to get up you want to sleep? We have been doing this same job for five years now, you should be used to it by now... I mean really, it should not be this hard to come to an agreement. I have tried to compromise with you, I give an hour here and you make me feel like crap in the morning. I take an hour there and you STILL make me feel like crap in the morning. Why do you hate me so? I understand you might resent me a little, I have used and abused you, but not too much right? I mean, a few piercings, some tattoos, lots of Red Bull, but hey, I give you healthy foods, vitamins and exercise... that is a fair exchange right? We need to work on this. Is there a return policy on you...me? This is your warning, you better start compromising more or I am getting my money back...

The Road Trip of Life

Once again my well laid plans of actually blogging has hit the wall as per usual.... Well put that hatred of being denied such divine writing as mine for so long aside and rejoice in the coming of more entries starting right now.

I am currently planning a huge (well huge to me) event that is going to mark a major item off of my bucket list (and yes I actually have one... don't you?). I am planning a 16 day road trip across the country. I will be traveling from Myrtle Beach, SC all the way to San Diego, CA then following Route 66 back across the country stopping in Louisville, KY and Nashville, TN on my way back to North Carolina. It is going to be amazing and I am very excited. Although as I plan this trip it makes ponder on the course of my life and the people or lack of people in it.

What has brought me to this point in my life? It is amazing to me that I even have the opportunity to take this trip. What amazes me more so than having the chance is that I am actually getting up and making it happen. I have always envied the people I see and talk to that seize every opportunity in their life to experience the world. How many people have I sat and listened to, stranger and friend alike, weave their tales of adventure and excitement. How even the mundane, when re-told in such light, seems worlds above what I myself have experienced. I am a man from a big family in a small town, one of those towns that most people never get out of. Who would have thought that I could see the world, or even this whole country? It fills me with an undeniable giddyness to know that I am actually going to do what I have only seen in movies and heard in stories.

Now comes the other end of this spectrum... It is in these monumental life moments that you stop and look around. Only when everything seems to be going a million and a half miles an hour can you ever truly stop and see the real picture around you. What I see when I look around is a half life. Something that, while yes it is a life, it seems only half full (or half empty, either way something is missing). I have no one that can truly share these moments with me. No one to check off their bucket list while I do mine. No one to high five or celebrate with when something totally awesome happens. Those events that you know no one will believe even if you did catch it on camera. It would be a real treat to have someone to at least corroborate how totally sweet that cactus we saw in the desert was. (Just an example... I hope something better than a sweet cactus is the highlight of my trip...). I don't know if there is some greater plan to this world, or if it is just me and my own ingenuity, but I know that I am really tired of waiting for something to happen. I am getting out and this is the first step. I will see what happens in life when I am pushing the limit instead of being dragged along by it... There is definitely more to come on this story...

Girls and boys...

Why is it that the opposite sex, no matter how old or young you may be, always has the ability to stir such amazing feelings within you? One would think that as we age, those butterflies and sparks of the teenage years would wane. That the overflowing nervous energy would not be able to paralyze us as it did on the night of our first kiss. Yet, here we are, in our 20's, 30's, 40's and maybe further on, and struck dumb with those same feelings. I had to actually stop myself recently, as I busied myself around my messy house, maybe loading the dishwasher or some other menial task, I actually stopped. Froze, as the thought struck me. My mind whirled me back to a picture of myself as a small boy, holding a hand picked dandelion behind my back as I nervously approached a pretty girl. Cheeks flushed, feeling the heat radiate from my body, wondering what would happen, thinking that the next few seconds would determine the rest of my life. There, standing in my kitchen, of my home that I own, a 24 year old man (some may argue still a boy, but that is beside the point), I realized that I was struck with the very same feeling. That, what can only be described (if it can be described at all) as a nervous, almost giddy, energy. How is it that, we are able to have those feelings over and over again, as if the world rests on what happens in those next seconds, minutes, hours... It is something that I have not yet been able to understand. The same with how we can watch someone, while we are sitting with them on the couch, or laying side by side in bed, maybe even at dinner with a group of friends, we can see all of the small things. How they twirl their hair, the way the corners of their eyes crinkle when they laugh, the way they absently brush against your arm or back, how that one piece of hair never seems to stay put and falls down, yet they never seem to understand and sweep it back again and again. All in an instant, you can take it in. How seconds can seem like lifetimes and lifetimes like only seconds. It is amazing what infatuation does to us, these frail human beings that we are.

People often say there is no such thing as magic, but how can that be. When a simple look can enspell you, a touch can light you on fire, and a tear can break your heart. Is this not magic? I have to say that it feels that way. Can you think of anything that will stop a man in his tracks faster than a shy smile from a girl? Or that can set a 30 year old woman to giggling like a school girl more than that sly smirk from a man. How is it that total strangers can walk by on the street and instantly connect in nothing but a single look? I am amazed, every time these feelings hit, hit me like a cement truck, and seemingly out of no where. I can go through days, weeks, even months without remembering more than one or two things I did, said, ate or even where I went. Yet, I can remember a thousand things from only five minutes spent with a girl that has....it (how else do you say it?). I can't remember what I wore last weekend, but why can I remember what she wore, her hair, earrings, how she smiled, laughed, the look from across the room, how her hair smelled when she laid her head on my shoulder, the feeling of her hand in mine, the way everything she did or said was in some way endearing, cute even. How is it that we can lose ourselves in those moments?

I fear and rejoice in the fact that I do not understand these things. For in my fear I always see that rejection. I see that little girl that doesn't swoon for my dandelion. The one that lets my heart fall to the ground along with my hopes and daydreams of what tomorrow would have brought. And yet I must rejoice, for without that fear, the little girl who blushes and kisses my cheek in thanks for my little yellow flower, would not be as sweet. As I grow older in my years (if not in my mind), I hope that I will always be able to be that little boy once again. For without that little boy, with his hand picked dandelion, there would be no sweetness in that little girls kiss...

Re-Inventing the wheel, amongst other things...

I don't know if anyone ever noticed, but I have been, well, you could say "out of the loop" for a while. While I have been in the same physical place (except for a few absences home and for training) my mind has been to what feels like the ends of the universe and back, multiple times... Working through the emotional and mental Olympics of the holidays while going through a separation/divorce and trying to help guide my siblings along a life path that doesn't end in drug addiction and jail, I wish that I could say life has been quite swell. It hasn't, but I believe that since I am here, that is changing. I am finally coming back to one of the things I truly love, which is right here writing for me, well I guess and you too (maybe). Hopefully on a more routine basis, and content ripe with, well something interesting to keep me here (and yes to keep you here as well). Ok, now that the cliche "I'm back" intro is over, maybe we can move on to some more interesting (if not well written) topics...


I have to say that what really brings me back is that feeling of seeking a reconnection with one's own self. When, for all of life's twists, turns, ups and downs, you know you need to, should we say, get back to the basics. Looking back and asking, how did I get here, in this place, feeling like this. When that urge to pick back up and set all the world right again comes along. The only problem with such feelings is just that, they are feelings, which as in their nature, tend to come and go. I do believe that this surge of... (liveliness, spirit, vitality, zeal?) that I have seems more permanent this time. I think this partially because, I am still having this feeling right now, while my throat is swollen most of the way shut, my stomach roils from the medley of pills (to stop the said swelling of throat), still having to be at work through both of those, and my never quite knowing what is going on in my love life, or lack thereof. I still feel this... energy, as if it begs for release, if but I could find the correct form to let it out in. I think this is that form, although it may need multiple ways out before it is exhausted, I know no such answers as of yet. There have been many thoughts, ideas, and problems that have plagued my measly brain for release into this keyboard. I hope that I can only maintain my grasp on them until the time comes when I can let them flow forth unto you, but there is one that is over powering all others, and it must come first. It will come first, although not right now. Maybe later today, we shall see. Till we meet again...

He's Got Aces Alright

Who knows what life will bring?  Not I, that is for sure.  It always surprises me how little I know about myself and what choices I will actually make, compared to what I thought I would decide in a given situation.  Did I ever think I would enjoy writing?  Surely not.  Did  I think that I would decide on a whim to take a ten hour drive to seem my family over the weekend, even when I already had other plans here at home?  No I did not.  Can someone ever really know themselves as much as they think they do?  I wish I did know that one.  I have often believed that I knew not only who I was, but how I operated.  I was at one time sure of what I wanted in life and how I was going to get there.  Yet, life always seems to have an ace in the hole, one more trick up its sleeve when it told me it had nothing left.  I remember how when I was only in fourth grade I was absolutely positive that I wanted to be an Oceanographer.  To spend my days under the ocean's surface researching and discovering new life.  I had a dream of finding a new fish and being able to name it myself.  How strange that is to me now.  Now, I am afraid of the ocean, I don't like it, I don't want the stuff in it to touch me and I most definitely am afraid of the animals in it stinging, biting or otherwise maiming me.  Moving through life I swore to myself that I would never join the military after watching how my own father was left high and dry with unfulfilled promises.  Now I have been Active Duty for over four years.  Once again I look back only a year ago and remember how I told my supervisor I didn't need a degree and how the military was my life.  I planned on staying until they kicked me out and I was retired.  Even now those thoughts change as I have almost completed my first few classes and begin to question what kind of life I really want and if this is the career field I am truly happy in.  At every turn, twist, bump, and hill life changes whether it is sudden and dramatic or it sneaks up on you like dirty laundry after a busy week at work, it is still there and still just as astonishing as if you had been sucker punched from the back row of concert straight to your brain.  At every change I have to stop and reconsider life and see how much I have strayed from my original course and think, is it really straying, or is it finally coming closer to the path I should have been on to start with.  Which path is MY path and how will I know when I get there?  It seems to always come to these simple questions.  Is what I am doing right?  How will I know if what I am doing Is right?  For now I have no way to judge which is the correct, right or just path and which is only the path of temptation, laziness or unrealistic dreams.  Are dreams only unrealistic to those people who have not the courage to charge them head on as a Spartan warrior wishing for his most glorious moment?  As I degrade in to answering questions with questions and talking circles like a one legged drunken sailor, I know it is time to close this train of thought for now.  For I know that is will open again soon enough, when life pulls another ace from the hole.

Mr. Furious

It is interesting to think about the many characters that have been created in the past to help describe human traits. One that comes to mind this afternoon is The Incredible Hulk. A normal nice, and very intelligent man who, when upset transforms into a raging green monster. A character effectively showing the nature of Man when enraged and how it can seems as if they are two different people. I felt this way today. Having been in a very boring class for the past week and a half I have felt very drained and frustrated and the end of the day, everyday. As the class is winding down to a finish, it is time to start the final practical exercise which is, of course, a culmination of all of the material covered throughout the course. This is normal and would have been absolutely no reason for the frustration and aggravation that I am feeling and will fill until, most likely, tomorrow night when I begin to drink in celebration. The problem lies in the fact that, although the fact of having something to gauge the effectiveness of the training is normal, the system that all of this training has been on/about, is far from what most people consider normal. I can not and will not say what system that is, only that it is a system that is used in my line of work. This system (as all systems of its type, to those who know what I am talking about) is what we like to call "broke". Does it turn on? Yes. Does it physically function? Yes. Does it do what it has been designed to do? Sometimes. Does it do anything useful? Not really. It is the product of sending wild chimpanzees to a computer programming class, having them create a complete system in C++, having an elephant take a dump on it, then getting your two year old brother to translate it to Fortran, and then expecting your 108 year old grand father to use it. As if that wouldn't be broke enough as is, you tell me that it is the best, most L33T system out there except that this one part here isn't quite right, and we can't do this since it isn't done being programmed yet and oh yeah, you have to use three separate programs kinda like this one, that do not get along with each other, to try and get one usable product. Sound confusing? Try actually doing it. I think of myself as a relatively bright individual, usual in the top percentage to finish and with a large number of my answers correct. Test taking is usually one of my strong points, especially when it is on or has to do with a computer of any sorts. Now, when a computer makes me go all Incredible Hulk, it is usually something epic. Today was that day. Have you ever been so frustrated, frustrated to the point where you feel your body trembling from the inside as if you have an unknown energy building in your stomach until you are going to explode, feel you blood rush to the point of feeling your heart beating in you ears, where tears are on the verge of spilling forth and that if you touched this object of frustration you would rip, crush, smash and grind it to pieces and stand proudly over it's dusty corpse screaming to the world that you are the truly mighty one. That is about how I felt today. The worst part... I have to go back and finish tomorrow... which happens to be my birthday...

Simple Choices are Never Easy

As much as I enjoy writing (something I have learned that I really like whereas I used to hate), I find that keeping up my blog can still be difficult. In the beginning my life was ripe with emotion and turbulence and I find that as the dust settles, continuing to commit words to this page becomes increasingly difficult. With the onset of a new class (ironically an English class), one would think I would have more, not less with which to compose my blogs from. As I ponder the situation I think, is it a lack of writing material, or the over all run down exhausted feeling that overwhelms me when I hit the couch, to the point at which I don't want to ever get back up again (or at least for the rest of the night). I do not know what the true reason is as of yet, only that it has become more difficult to fill these pages with the meandering path of my thoughts. Writing tonight there is one subject that repeatedly creeps back into my thoughts and that is what direction I want my education to go. The answer? I really am not sure. I have spent a vast amount of time the last few months in introspection. I have discovered many things about myself that have been surprising. Among them is that I am a very different person from when I was in high school. The two things that I have found to actually enjoy are things that I downright hated in high school. Those are writing and history. Both of which are subjects I am considering to major in. Even now, since I started my blog, it still amazes me every time I write a new entry, how much I enjoy it. I would have never thought that writing and enjoyable would ever be in the same sentence for me, and yet here I am, doing a voluntary writing project. I have also taken a keen interest in history. Well, honestly the interest is actually in mythology. Upon reading a new book series (which you can look at by clicking right HERE...), I was fascinated by all of the different stories and how much more in depth mythology was. It is quite astounding to think that every character in any story is not only a part of that story, but has there own story recorded in myth from the time they were born until the time they died. Sure everyone knows (for example) the story of Hercules, but do you know the story of the girl who showed him how to get past the dragon? She has her very own story. I want to know them all. That all brings me to my current dilema, what course to follow? I understand that, yes, I could major in one and minor in the other. That would also be difficult as mythology is a specialization and writing would require its own specialization. In the time before I started planning my education, when I would hear about people who spent three or four years in college and still hadn't chosen a major, or people who had changed majors three or four times, I would think that they were incompetent, lazy, inexperienced or just lacked the strength to make a decision and stick with it. Now that, that same decision is weighing upon my mind, I understand how that could happen. It is a huge choice to make, one that could easily go awry where you thought it was smooth sailing. With all of this, the more I think and the more classes I attend, I get further from an answer, not closer. I know that I need some guidance and input from personnel who work the field, and I suppose that is where my next step will take me. I would love to have some feedback or a point of contact. Until next...

Wonder Where to Wander

Today is a day full of opposites. It has been such a long and draining day, it is normally one of the longest of the week anyways, but now that I have added to that the massive partying of last night and the class I am taking after work, it just seems to never end. Today also seemed short and to have passed by far too quickly. One thing is strange though. As much as my daily work routine drives me further into hating my life, I feel I am ending my day with a sense of accomplishment and well just good.. following my class tonight. I am very pleased to say I rather enjoyed my English 111 class. When I first started this blog, although how not very long ago that was, I realized that contrary to my previous school career, I rather enjoy writing. I even thought, what if I could get a column or some "real" writing position? The more I think about this the more I find myself wondering if I could really get into something like that, and would I actually enjoy it if I did? Honestly I don't know, if it were my actual job, would I enjoy it as much, with actual deadlines and forced to provide a certain amount of material a week or month? Would that drain the fun right out of it, or would it inspire me to rise to greater heights in an effort to really sharpen my craft? This is where class tonight comes in. Today our only assignment was to simply write a narrative in first person about us or that we were involved in, a true story. Assignments are always a difficulty when the topic is left up for my own decision. Being the rebel and true smart ass that I am, I decided the perfect story would be about how I always have to come up with a topic to write about. It was fun, and I was able to fulfill my need for sarcasm while accomplishing the assignment all at the same time. I turned in my assignment and shyly asked my professor if she could read my paper and let me know what she thought. I waited, on pins and needles wondering if she would find my style adequately humorous or down right rude. I slightly relaxed when I heard here chuckle to herself a couple three or four times and waited as patiently as I could until she finished my measly four page, double spaced, assignment. As she finished reading she looked up at me and laughing with a smile in her eyes and told me that she really enjoyed my writing style and that she wrote in a similar fashion. I can't wait until next class to linger behind and further discuss my writing and maybe even a possible future in such a career field. As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, I wonder to myself why I waited so long to get back into school and where this winding path will lead.

Places...

Today, aahhh today, what a day. Have you ever been at that point in life where you look at what is going on and realize, "If I stay in this situation, job, spot, whatever, that I am in right now, I am going to be absolutely miserable." I hit that spot today. I am in the military. Now, I love my job, what I do not love is that I rarely get to actually do my real job, that is the job that I was trained to do, the job that I enjoy and the job that I enlisted for. My job is one of those that only gets done while deployed, only a job that is applicable when there is an enemy or a mission. Otherwise, I get stuck on other jobs. It is those other jobs that I detest. It is these other jobs that fill my time between deployments, fill most of my years of service. Now don't get me wrong, how good or bad thes other jobs are, depends on the unit you are with at the time. Some are pretty good, with relaxed people who use common sense and understand that the time between being gone is the most important time and shouldn't be wasted. Then there are other places that never really understand or have the insight into the big picture and what is important. THey are filled with tedious procedures that have no other purpose than to provide a lengthy and draining process to a relatively simple task. Filled with bureaucracy and people who think they are ten times more important and smart than they actually are. It is these places that make my life miserable. I am in such a place now, a place where each day seems to drain away a part of my soul that I will never get back. Like a tick sucking dry my life blood. It may not be overtly horrible, but it eats at your core and before you have realized what is going on, you are forever changed. An empty husk, like an ancient king that has all but sunken in and become part of his throne, oh, but once he knew glory and honor. That is how these places make me feel. Have you ever been in a place where you knew you out shined your peers and leadership alike. A place where all of your potential and the skills you have worked hard to hone, sharpened over time, skills that once you were recognized for, are all but gone. Wasted away with the rest of your soul from having no place to put them to use. Having you hands tied when you know you could help, having your responsibility taken away when you know you could share the burden. A place where you wanted, or even needed to help in order to stay sane, but you were held to a position that a child could easily fulfill? That is where I stand today. This place makes me question my goals, makes me wonder, do I really want to do this for X years? Once I thought this was the only job for me, I couldn't be happier doing anything else, but a place like this makes you question yourself, makes you doubt who or what you really are. It is times like these when people become desperate, searching for a way, any way out. How much would I give up to just be out of this place, to be any other place in the world? How far could I push myself to get out, how much pain can I suffer if it would only lead to escape. What deal would I make, bridges would I burn? Who ever knows the best way to progress? Do you try to outshine and show how your potential and skills would be better used elsewhere? Or do you make them hate you and wish they were rid of you so it will be easier to leave? But hey, there are supposed to be systems in place to deal with issues like this right? There are supposed to be ways to report unfit leadership. What if every step of the ladder was rotten? Hey, you have a ladder right, but do you trust it enough to actually try and climb it? And every one has faults, even you or I, I complain about you, then you complain about me, but I am the employee and you are the boss, who wins? It sure isn't me. So now I ask myself, where do I go from here. Do I resign myself to suffer at this place until my time to move comes again, or can I push the gears and make things move along faster? Or maybe I can just skip this whole machine and move on to the next one. Unfortunately, at this time, options are limited, my position has little leverage, and the system is broken. We shall see where fate guides and sanity ends.

Wait for it...

I know that I have not written in quite some time. I apologize for the break, life has been quite busy and I do have a lot to get out. I will be writing tonight, hopefully I can get it out, but it will probably take multiple sessions. To be continued...

Life?

What is the purpose of Life? A question that has plagued mankind since, well the beginning of mankind. Whether you believe that beginning was in Creation or through the slow process of Evolution, it matters not. Why are we here? I have reflected upon this subject time and again throughout my own life and have never really come up with a satisfying answer. I may in all likelihood never come up with an answer. I do believe that I can brush against an idea that may in some way be an inkling of the true answer. That is the case this morning. My life has been tumultuous of late. New beginnings, the ending of some and the rekindling of others. Life long worries come to fruition, and new obstacles to overcome. Whatever seems to come my way, only adds to the question of why, what does it mean, and is there even a reason to keep up the good struggle of achieving happiness? I look back on last night and I believe I see part of this answer. I have spent a large, probably too large of an amount of time pondering my life, where it has been, and if I have wasted opportunities in my life. I think that I have wasted more opportunities than I would like to admit. There are so many times in life when you are faced with a simple decision. To forsake responsibility and logic to do something amazing and memorable, or to follow logic and "Act like an adult" to keep life on track for the goal of being a success. I believe that I have followed logic far too often in my life, and consequently slowly drained all of the fun and excitement from my everyday living. Do you ever wake up looking forward to the day and all that it could bring? When is the last time that you did? For myself, it has been so long I don't remember the last time it happened, most likely sometime when I was much younger and with less to worry about. I haven't stopped to smell the roses since I was a child, in so long I wonder if I remember what the roses even smell like. It is these thoughts that bring me to a, while most likely partial, answer to the original question. What is the purpose of Life? Well, maybe not even a partial answer to that question, but a similar one. What makes Life worth living? That is the important question. I think it is a combination of two things. Experiences and Connections. Your life is custom made to fulfill all of the experiences you have ever dreamed of, it is only up to you to decide to go out and do them. Have you ever met someone and started a conversation, and in that conversation you realize that this person has done so many things you wish you would have or have always wanted to do? What makes them so much better than you that they get to do those things and you don't? Oh you have too much responsibility, too many bills, not enough money, no free time? It was a conversation similar to this that made me realize, I have missed so much. Another question, (I know I pose quite a few of those), do you have a person in your life right now, that has constantly asked you time and again to get out and take part in an activity? That person who can at any given time come up with something to do, there is always a way to have fun or a game to play or a place to visit? I have one of those in my life. It has been part of this realization that saddens me. I HAVE had the opportunity to do all of those things I want, I HAVE had the chance to take full advantage of life, and I just said no to them. I have always said no, I have always had a logically justified and financially sound reason to not take part. Looking back on these past years, I now see so clearly that those years are empty, a barren wasteland of forgotten opportunity, locked doors in a never ending hallway, that, at one time were open to me, but I had only one chance to take them, and I didn't. It is realizing that, once in a lifetime chances happen, every single day, because every day is once in a lifetime, every second should be used to create, to explore, to do something beautiful with your life, or your life will have passed by and you will not even remember what it is like to have lived. This was a two part answer though. The second part, Connections. Not business connections, or LAN connections, or connections like the hook ups you get for knowing the guy at your local bar. The connections you share with the people in your life whether friend, family or foe. Yes experiences are great, but what are they without someone to share them with, someone to motivate you, or even antagonize you. One person alone is a life, but it is not what Life is. You must reach out and touch somebody (not physically, I take no responsibility for anyone who get charged with sexual harrasment). I leave it to you, to make a new friend, or a new enemy, to bring emotion into your life, and to take every chance life gives you to create your own memory, live your own dream, and... have a life worth living. I know that I begin that struggle today.

What lies ahead

Today I have a lot on my mind and yet not much to write about. My life seems balanced on the edge of change. I know that soon my life will take a dramatic turn, it is just that I do not know where that turn will lead me. I have many events that seem to be flying at me as if they were road signs on the side of a highway. I am not quite sure if I am ready for them. I don't want to be going to fast and pass by looking over my shoulder and asking myself "What did that say?" Some of these changes are expected, one being I am starting college classes in August. Others I have no idea what twists and turns lie ahead. There are new friendships being forged, hopefully the first few of many to come. Old relationships may be dieing, or may be re-igniting in flame like never before. I know that I am not happy with my place in life as of right now, although I do think that I am about to have vast improvement in the oncoming months. I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a vast chasm. So large that I can not see the other side and yet I sense something is there, obscured by mists that are ever changing and yet a constant part of this place. I can feel the moisture of the mist brush against my face and flow into my lungs as I breath the cool air. Goosebumps rise on my exposed skin and a constant but shifting breeze whispers through. I know that soon I will step off the edge of this chasm and nothing will ever be the same. It is only a question of how soon will I take that one tiny step?