He's Got Aces Alright

Who knows what life will bring?  Not I, that is for sure.  It always surprises me how little I know about myself and what choices I will actually make, compared to what I thought I would decide in a given situation.  Did I ever think I would enjoy writing?  Surely not.  Did  I think that I would decide on a whim to take a ten hour drive to seem my family over the weekend, even when I already had other plans here at home?  No I did not.  Can someone ever really know themselves as much as they think they do?  I wish I did know that one.  I have often believed that I knew not only who I was, but how I operated.  I was at one time sure of what I wanted in life and how I was going to get there.  Yet, life always seems to have an ace in the hole, one more trick up its sleeve when it told me it had nothing left.  I remember how when I was only in fourth grade I was absolutely positive that I wanted to be an Oceanographer.  To spend my days under the ocean's surface researching and discovering new life.  I had a dream of finding a new fish and being able to name it myself.  How strange that is to me now.  Now, I am afraid of the ocean, I don't like it, I don't want the stuff in it to touch me and I most definitely am afraid of the animals in it stinging, biting or otherwise maiming me.  Moving through life I swore to myself that I would never join the military after watching how my own father was left high and dry with unfulfilled promises.  Now I have been Active Duty for over four years.  Once again I look back only a year ago and remember how I told my supervisor I didn't need a degree and how the military was my life.  I planned on staying until they kicked me out and I was retired.  Even now those thoughts change as I have almost completed my first few classes and begin to question what kind of life I really want and if this is the career field I am truly happy in.  At every turn, twist, bump, and hill life changes whether it is sudden and dramatic or it sneaks up on you like dirty laundry after a busy week at work, it is still there and still just as astonishing as if you had been sucker punched from the back row of concert straight to your brain.  At every change I have to stop and reconsider life and see how much I have strayed from my original course and think, is it really straying, or is it finally coming closer to the path I should have been on to start with.  Which path is MY path and how will I know when I get there?  It seems to always come to these simple questions.  Is what I am doing right?  How will I know if what I am doing Is right?  For now I have no way to judge which is the correct, right or just path and which is only the path of temptation, laziness or unrealistic dreams.  Are dreams only unrealistic to those people who have not the courage to charge them head on as a Spartan warrior wishing for his most glorious moment?  As I degrade in to answering questions with questions and talking circles like a one legged drunken sailor, I know it is time to close this train of thought for now.  For I know that is will open again soon enough, when life pulls another ace from the hole.

Mr. Furious

It is interesting to think about the many characters that have been created in the past to help describe human traits. One that comes to mind this afternoon is The Incredible Hulk. A normal nice, and very intelligent man who, when upset transforms into a raging green monster. A character effectively showing the nature of Man when enraged and how it can seems as if they are two different people. I felt this way today. Having been in a very boring class for the past week and a half I have felt very drained and frustrated and the end of the day, everyday. As the class is winding down to a finish, it is time to start the final practical exercise which is, of course, a culmination of all of the material covered throughout the course. This is normal and would have been absolutely no reason for the frustration and aggravation that I am feeling and will fill until, most likely, tomorrow night when I begin to drink in celebration. The problem lies in the fact that, although the fact of having something to gauge the effectiveness of the training is normal, the system that all of this training has been on/about, is far from what most people consider normal. I can not and will not say what system that is, only that it is a system that is used in my line of work. This system (as all systems of its type, to those who know what I am talking about) is what we like to call "broke". Does it turn on? Yes. Does it physically function? Yes. Does it do what it has been designed to do? Sometimes. Does it do anything useful? Not really. It is the product of sending wild chimpanzees to a computer programming class, having them create a complete system in C++, having an elephant take a dump on it, then getting your two year old brother to translate it to Fortran, and then expecting your 108 year old grand father to use it. As if that wouldn't be broke enough as is, you tell me that it is the best, most L33T system out there except that this one part here isn't quite right, and we can't do this since it isn't done being programmed yet and oh yeah, you have to use three separate programs kinda like this one, that do not get along with each other, to try and get one usable product. Sound confusing? Try actually doing it. I think of myself as a relatively bright individual, usual in the top percentage to finish and with a large number of my answers correct. Test taking is usually one of my strong points, especially when it is on or has to do with a computer of any sorts. Now, when a computer makes me go all Incredible Hulk, it is usually something epic. Today was that day. Have you ever been so frustrated, frustrated to the point where you feel your body trembling from the inside as if you have an unknown energy building in your stomach until you are going to explode, feel you blood rush to the point of feeling your heart beating in you ears, where tears are on the verge of spilling forth and that if you touched this object of frustration you would rip, crush, smash and grind it to pieces and stand proudly over it's dusty corpse screaming to the world that you are the truly mighty one. That is about how I felt today. The worst part... I have to go back and finish tomorrow... which happens to be my birthday...

Simple Choices are Never Easy

As much as I enjoy writing (something I have learned that I really like whereas I used to hate), I find that keeping up my blog can still be difficult. In the beginning my life was ripe with emotion and turbulence and I find that as the dust settles, continuing to commit words to this page becomes increasingly difficult. With the onset of a new class (ironically an English class), one would think I would have more, not less with which to compose my blogs from. As I ponder the situation I think, is it a lack of writing material, or the over all run down exhausted feeling that overwhelms me when I hit the couch, to the point at which I don't want to ever get back up again (or at least for the rest of the night). I do not know what the true reason is as of yet, only that it has become more difficult to fill these pages with the meandering path of my thoughts. Writing tonight there is one subject that repeatedly creeps back into my thoughts and that is what direction I want my education to go. The answer? I really am not sure. I have spent a vast amount of time the last few months in introspection. I have discovered many things about myself that have been surprising. Among them is that I am a very different person from when I was in high school. The two things that I have found to actually enjoy are things that I downright hated in high school. Those are writing and history. Both of which are subjects I am considering to major in. Even now, since I started my blog, it still amazes me every time I write a new entry, how much I enjoy it. I would have never thought that writing and enjoyable would ever be in the same sentence for me, and yet here I am, doing a voluntary writing project. I have also taken a keen interest in history. Well, honestly the interest is actually in mythology. Upon reading a new book series (which you can look at by clicking right HERE...), I was fascinated by all of the different stories and how much more in depth mythology was. It is quite astounding to think that every character in any story is not only a part of that story, but has there own story recorded in myth from the time they were born until the time they died. Sure everyone knows (for example) the story of Hercules, but do you know the story of the girl who showed him how to get past the dragon? She has her very own story. I want to know them all. That all brings me to my current dilema, what course to follow? I understand that, yes, I could major in one and minor in the other. That would also be difficult as mythology is a specialization and writing would require its own specialization. In the time before I started planning my education, when I would hear about people who spent three or four years in college and still hadn't chosen a major, or people who had changed majors three or four times, I would think that they were incompetent, lazy, inexperienced or just lacked the strength to make a decision and stick with it. Now that, that same decision is weighing upon my mind, I understand how that could happen. It is a huge choice to make, one that could easily go awry where you thought it was smooth sailing. With all of this, the more I think and the more classes I attend, I get further from an answer, not closer. I know that I need some guidance and input from personnel who work the field, and I suppose that is where my next step will take me. I would love to have some feedback or a point of contact. Until next...

Wonder Where to Wander

Today is a day full of opposites. It has been such a long and draining day, it is normally one of the longest of the week anyways, but now that I have added to that the massive partying of last night and the class I am taking after work, it just seems to never end. Today also seemed short and to have passed by far too quickly. One thing is strange though. As much as my daily work routine drives me further into hating my life, I feel I am ending my day with a sense of accomplishment and well just good.. following my class tonight. I am very pleased to say I rather enjoyed my English 111 class. When I first started this blog, although how not very long ago that was, I realized that contrary to my previous school career, I rather enjoy writing. I even thought, what if I could get a column or some "real" writing position? The more I think about this the more I find myself wondering if I could really get into something like that, and would I actually enjoy it if I did? Honestly I don't know, if it were my actual job, would I enjoy it as much, with actual deadlines and forced to provide a certain amount of material a week or month? Would that drain the fun right out of it, or would it inspire me to rise to greater heights in an effort to really sharpen my craft? This is where class tonight comes in. Today our only assignment was to simply write a narrative in first person about us or that we were involved in, a true story. Assignments are always a difficulty when the topic is left up for my own decision. Being the rebel and true smart ass that I am, I decided the perfect story would be about how I always have to come up with a topic to write about. It was fun, and I was able to fulfill my need for sarcasm while accomplishing the assignment all at the same time. I turned in my assignment and shyly asked my professor if she could read my paper and let me know what she thought. I waited, on pins and needles wondering if she would find my style adequately humorous or down right rude. I slightly relaxed when I heard here chuckle to herself a couple three or four times and waited as patiently as I could until she finished my measly four page, double spaced, assignment. As she finished reading she looked up at me and laughing with a smile in her eyes and told me that she really enjoyed my writing style and that she wrote in a similar fashion. I can't wait until next class to linger behind and further discuss my writing and maybe even a possible future in such a career field. As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, I wonder to myself why I waited so long to get back into school and where this winding path will lead.

Places...

Today, aahhh today, what a day. Have you ever been at that point in life where you look at what is going on and realize, "If I stay in this situation, job, spot, whatever, that I am in right now, I am going to be absolutely miserable." I hit that spot today. I am in the military. Now, I love my job, what I do not love is that I rarely get to actually do my real job, that is the job that I was trained to do, the job that I enjoy and the job that I enlisted for. My job is one of those that only gets done while deployed, only a job that is applicable when there is an enemy or a mission. Otherwise, I get stuck on other jobs. It is those other jobs that I detest. It is these other jobs that fill my time between deployments, fill most of my years of service. Now don't get me wrong, how good or bad thes other jobs are, depends on the unit you are with at the time. Some are pretty good, with relaxed people who use common sense and understand that the time between being gone is the most important time and shouldn't be wasted. Then there are other places that never really understand or have the insight into the big picture and what is important. THey are filled with tedious procedures that have no other purpose than to provide a lengthy and draining process to a relatively simple task. Filled with bureaucracy and people who think they are ten times more important and smart than they actually are. It is these places that make my life miserable. I am in such a place now, a place where each day seems to drain away a part of my soul that I will never get back. Like a tick sucking dry my life blood. It may not be overtly horrible, but it eats at your core and before you have realized what is going on, you are forever changed. An empty husk, like an ancient king that has all but sunken in and become part of his throne, oh, but once he knew glory and honor. That is how these places make me feel. Have you ever been in a place where you knew you out shined your peers and leadership alike. A place where all of your potential and the skills you have worked hard to hone, sharpened over time, skills that once you were recognized for, are all but gone. Wasted away with the rest of your soul from having no place to put them to use. Having you hands tied when you know you could help, having your responsibility taken away when you know you could share the burden. A place where you wanted, or even needed to help in order to stay sane, but you were held to a position that a child could easily fulfill? That is where I stand today. This place makes me question my goals, makes me wonder, do I really want to do this for X years? Once I thought this was the only job for me, I couldn't be happier doing anything else, but a place like this makes you question yourself, makes you doubt who or what you really are. It is times like these when people become desperate, searching for a way, any way out. How much would I give up to just be out of this place, to be any other place in the world? How far could I push myself to get out, how much pain can I suffer if it would only lead to escape. What deal would I make, bridges would I burn? Who ever knows the best way to progress? Do you try to outshine and show how your potential and skills would be better used elsewhere? Or do you make them hate you and wish they were rid of you so it will be easier to leave? But hey, there are supposed to be systems in place to deal with issues like this right? There are supposed to be ways to report unfit leadership. What if every step of the ladder was rotten? Hey, you have a ladder right, but do you trust it enough to actually try and climb it? And every one has faults, even you or I, I complain about you, then you complain about me, but I am the employee and you are the boss, who wins? It sure isn't me. So now I ask myself, where do I go from here. Do I resign myself to suffer at this place until my time to move comes again, or can I push the gears and make things move along faster? Or maybe I can just skip this whole machine and move on to the next one. Unfortunately, at this time, options are limited, my position has little leverage, and the system is broken. We shall see where fate guides and sanity ends.