You can call me whiny...

Why is it that I turn to writing in order to fully express myself. Spoken word never seems to convey what strikes at my inner chords as well as the written form. Is it that I can go back and edit them over and over again to get them just right? I always wonder this as I return here over and over again (although it is sporadically I know and apologize.) Although this really has nothing to do with why I am visiting you here once again.

This is about longing. Not the feeling of when you want something specific to eat... That is just a craving, very temporary and easily sated. Longing is so much more. A soul churning, aching, painful and emotional pull on your very being. Feeling like part of who you are is missing and all you want in life is to bring it back to its rightful place. I have been longing for something. I have been needing it ever since the first time it came into my life. How is it that something you never even knew existed only a moment before can instantly be so vital to you that you feel half empty without it, like you don't even know how you lived this long not even knowing it was missing. Now what if this object of your desire is so close and yet always seems to be out of reach? Whether it is just outside, down the road, across town, across the country or even the world... it constantly feels like no matter what genius plan or plot you think up in order to bring it close, there is always a reason that it must stay away... Maybe I am romanticizing and overreacting you would say... Well, maybe I am... I have been without far too long and it gnaws at my essence, my will, my sanity... What last week may have been simply a nuisance is this week maddening. How many excuses can one mind withstand before it starts to fracture and fail? Granted, I have not given in to such an extreme end of the scale as to lose my reasoning and understanding.. But I am forced to wonder if that may become an issue in the future.

For now distance is not a limiting factor, but in the future it will be. If the situation now, when being so close, drives me this batty... what will it be when there is half the world in the way? Will it be easier since there is so obvious a barrier to stop me from having what it is I seek? Or will it only enhance the aggravation, disappointment and boiling anger that I already feel rising within me? I have been through many trials in life... separation, loneliness, physical, emotional and monetary hardships, betrayal and the list can roll on... Is having something that you ache for so close but still unable to have with you... is that worse than anything else?

As most of you know I do not like to talk about my job often, but here I think that there is a reason to discuss something. There are many things that are very unique to military life. One that I think is very hard for anyone else to understand is this... The sense of urgency, of time running out, how you have to squeeze all of the joy and time out of life, because you know you will be leaving again soon... To know that you will not see these places, smell this air, taste this food... and more importantly, to look into her eyes, to smell her hair, to taste her kiss, and to hold her in your arms... Those are things that can drive you, for good or ill... To let go of your routines and the daily life that most of you live... To think, if I never see this place, my house, my car, my home town... To think if I never see these people, my mother, father, my sons and daughters, my wife (or husband)... If I never see them again when I walk away this time... What will I remember in my last moment, and what will they remember for the rest of theirs? Does that make you question how you are living life? Does it make you wonder how could someone ever do such a thing? Can you do it? Can you do it over and over again? That is what today's military faces year after year... they volunteer to do it... Now I won't say that they volunteer to do it for you, for America, for our government... no I won't say that... I will say that they do it for their one stop light home towns, for their parents and grandparents, for their wives (and husbands) and for their children. They don't do it for you, they don't even know you, they do it for the people they care about. You are just a lucky benefactor, a side effect.

But back to business... If you had to walk away from this life, for and undetermined amount of time... Would it make you anxious? Hurried? Rushed? Desperate even? What would you spend your time before you left doing? Who would you spend your time with? Now, what if that person you wanted to spend your time with... what if you couldn't? Would you describe the feeling of wanting to spend time with that person... would you describe as a deep soul aching longing? I think I have brought this full circle...