He's Got Aces Alright

Who knows what life will bring?  Not I, that is for sure.  It always surprises me how little I know about myself and what choices I will actually make, compared to what I thought I would decide in a given situation.  Did I ever think I would enjoy writing?  Surely not.  Did  I think that I would decide on a whim to take a ten hour drive to seem my family over the weekend, even when I already had other plans here at home?  No I did not.  Can someone ever really know themselves as much as they think they do?  I wish I did know that one.  I have often believed that I knew not only who I was, but how I operated.  I was at one time sure of what I wanted in life and how I was going to get there.  Yet, life always seems to have an ace in the hole, one more trick up its sleeve when it told me it had nothing left.  I remember how when I was only in fourth grade I was absolutely positive that I wanted to be an Oceanographer.  To spend my days under the ocean's surface researching and discovering new life.  I had a dream of finding a new fish and being able to name it myself.  How strange that is to me now.  Now, I am afraid of the ocean, I don't like it, I don't want the stuff in it to touch me and I most definitely am afraid of the animals in it stinging, biting or otherwise maiming me.  Moving through life I swore to myself that I would never join the military after watching how my own father was left high and dry with unfulfilled promises.  Now I have been Active Duty for over four years.  Once again I look back only a year ago and remember how I told my supervisor I didn't need a degree and how the military was my life.  I planned on staying until they kicked me out and I was retired.  Even now those thoughts change as I have almost completed my first few classes and begin to question what kind of life I really want and if this is the career field I am truly happy in.  At every turn, twist, bump, and hill life changes whether it is sudden and dramatic or it sneaks up on you like dirty laundry after a busy week at work, it is still there and still just as astonishing as if you had been sucker punched from the back row of concert straight to your brain.  At every change I have to stop and reconsider life and see how much I have strayed from my original course and think, is it really straying, or is it finally coming closer to the path I should have been on to start with.  Which path is MY path and how will I know when I get there?  It seems to always come to these simple questions.  Is what I am doing right?  How will I know if what I am doing Is right?  For now I have no way to judge which is the correct, right or just path and which is only the path of temptation, laziness or unrealistic dreams.  Are dreams only unrealistic to those people who have not the courage to charge them head on as a Spartan warrior wishing for his most glorious moment?  As I degrade in to answering questions with questions and talking circles like a one legged drunken sailor, I know it is time to close this train of thought for now.  For I know that is will open again soon enough, when life pulls another ace from the hole.

Mr. Furious

It is interesting to think about the many characters that have been created in the past to help describe human traits. One that comes to mind this afternoon is The Incredible Hulk. A normal nice, and very intelligent man who, when upset transforms into a raging green monster. A character effectively showing the nature of Man when enraged and how it can seems as if they are two different people. I felt this way today. Having been in a very boring class for the past week and a half I have felt very drained and frustrated and the end of the day, everyday. As the class is winding down to a finish, it is time to start the final practical exercise which is, of course, a culmination of all of the material covered throughout the course. This is normal and would have been absolutely no reason for the frustration and aggravation that I am feeling and will fill until, most likely, tomorrow night when I begin to drink in celebration. The problem lies in the fact that, although the fact of having something to gauge the effectiveness of the training is normal, the system that all of this training has been on/about, is far from what most people consider normal. I can not and will not say what system that is, only that it is a system that is used in my line of work. This system (as all systems of its type, to those who know what I am talking about) is what we like to call "broke". Does it turn on? Yes. Does it physically function? Yes. Does it do what it has been designed to do? Sometimes. Does it do anything useful? Not really. It is the product of sending wild chimpanzees to a computer programming class, having them create a complete system in C++, having an elephant take a dump on it, then getting your two year old brother to translate it to Fortran, and then expecting your 108 year old grand father to use it. As if that wouldn't be broke enough as is, you tell me that it is the best, most L33T system out there except that this one part here isn't quite right, and we can't do this since it isn't done being programmed yet and oh yeah, you have to use three separate programs kinda like this one, that do not get along with each other, to try and get one usable product. Sound confusing? Try actually doing it. I think of myself as a relatively bright individual, usual in the top percentage to finish and with a large number of my answers correct. Test taking is usually one of my strong points, especially when it is on or has to do with a computer of any sorts. Now, when a computer makes me go all Incredible Hulk, it is usually something epic. Today was that day. Have you ever been so frustrated, frustrated to the point where you feel your body trembling from the inside as if you have an unknown energy building in your stomach until you are going to explode, feel you blood rush to the point of feeling your heart beating in you ears, where tears are on the verge of spilling forth and that if you touched this object of frustration you would rip, crush, smash and grind it to pieces and stand proudly over it's dusty corpse screaming to the world that you are the truly mighty one. That is about how I felt today. The worst part... I have to go back and finish tomorrow... which happens to be my birthday...

Simple Choices are Never Easy

As much as I enjoy writing (something I have learned that I really like whereas I used to hate), I find that keeping up my blog can still be difficult. In the beginning my life was ripe with emotion and turbulence and I find that as the dust settles, continuing to commit words to this page becomes increasingly difficult. With the onset of a new class (ironically an English class), one would think I would have more, not less with which to compose my blogs from. As I ponder the situation I think, is it a lack of writing material, or the over all run down exhausted feeling that overwhelms me when I hit the couch, to the point at which I don't want to ever get back up again (or at least for the rest of the night). I do not know what the true reason is as of yet, only that it has become more difficult to fill these pages with the meandering path of my thoughts. Writing tonight there is one subject that repeatedly creeps back into my thoughts and that is what direction I want my education to go. The answer? I really am not sure. I have spent a vast amount of time the last few months in introspection. I have discovered many things about myself that have been surprising. Among them is that I am a very different person from when I was in high school. The two things that I have found to actually enjoy are things that I downright hated in high school. Those are writing and history. Both of which are subjects I am considering to major in. Even now, since I started my blog, it still amazes me every time I write a new entry, how much I enjoy it. I would have never thought that writing and enjoyable would ever be in the same sentence for me, and yet here I am, doing a voluntary writing project. I have also taken a keen interest in history. Well, honestly the interest is actually in mythology. Upon reading a new book series (which you can look at by clicking right HERE...), I was fascinated by all of the different stories and how much more in depth mythology was. It is quite astounding to think that every character in any story is not only a part of that story, but has there own story recorded in myth from the time they were born until the time they died. Sure everyone knows (for example) the story of Hercules, but do you know the story of the girl who showed him how to get past the dragon? She has her very own story. I want to know them all. That all brings me to my current dilema, what course to follow? I understand that, yes, I could major in one and minor in the other. That would also be difficult as mythology is a specialization and writing would require its own specialization. In the time before I started planning my education, when I would hear about people who spent three or four years in college and still hadn't chosen a major, or people who had changed majors three or four times, I would think that they were incompetent, lazy, inexperienced or just lacked the strength to make a decision and stick with it. Now that, that same decision is weighing upon my mind, I understand how that could happen. It is a huge choice to make, one that could easily go awry where you thought it was smooth sailing. With all of this, the more I think and the more classes I attend, I get further from an answer, not closer. I know that I need some guidance and input from personnel who work the field, and I suppose that is where my next step will take me. I would love to have some feedback or a point of contact. Until next...

Wonder Where to Wander

Today is a day full of opposites. It has been such a long and draining day, it is normally one of the longest of the week anyways, but now that I have added to that the massive partying of last night and the class I am taking after work, it just seems to never end. Today also seemed short and to have passed by far too quickly. One thing is strange though. As much as my daily work routine drives me further into hating my life, I feel I am ending my day with a sense of accomplishment and well just good.. following my class tonight. I am very pleased to say I rather enjoyed my English 111 class. When I first started this blog, although how not very long ago that was, I realized that contrary to my previous school career, I rather enjoy writing. I even thought, what if I could get a column or some "real" writing position? The more I think about this the more I find myself wondering if I could really get into something like that, and would I actually enjoy it if I did? Honestly I don't know, if it were my actual job, would I enjoy it as much, with actual deadlines and forced to provide a certain amount of material a week or month? Would that drain the fun right out of it, or would it inspire me to rise to greater heights in an effort to really sharpen my craft? This is where class tonight comes in. Today our only assignment was to simply write a narrative in first person about us or that we were involved in, a true story. Assignments are always a difficulty when the topic is left up for my own decision. Being the rebel and true smart ass that I am, I decided the perfect story would be about how I always have to come up with a topic to write about. It was fun, and I was able to fulfill my need for sarcasm while accomplishing the assignment all at the same time. I turned in my assignment and shyly asked my professor if she could read my paper and let me know what she thought. I waited, on pins and needles wondering if she would find my style adequately humorous or down right rude. I slightly relaxed when I heard here chuckle to herself a couple three or four times and waited as patiently as I could until she finished my measly four page, double spaced, assignment. As she finished reading she looked up at me and laughing with a smile in her eyes and told me that she really enjoyed my writing style and that she wrote in a similar fashion. I can't wait until next class to linger behind and further discuss my writing and maybe even a possible future in such a career field. As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, I wonder to myself why I waited so long to get back into school and where this winding path will lead.

Places...

Today, aahhh today, what a day. Have you ever been at that point in life where you look at what is going on and realize, "If I stay in this situation, job, spot, whatever, that I am in right now, I am going to be absolutely miserable." I hit that spot today. I am in the military. Now, I love my job, what I do not love is that I rarely get to actually do my real job, that is the job that I was trained to do, the job that I enjoy and the job that I enlisted for. My job is one of those that only gets done while deployed, only a job that is applicable when there is an enemy or a mission. Otherwise, I get stuck on other jobs. It is those other jobs that I detest. It is these other jobs that fill my time between deployments, fill most of my years of service. Now don't get me wrong, how good or bad thes other jobs are, depends on the unit you are with at the time. Some are pretty good, with relaxed people who use common sense and understand that the time between being gone is the most important time and shouldn't be wasted. Then there are other places that never really understand or have the insight into the big picture and what is important. THey are filled with tedious procedures that have no other purpose than to provide a lengthy and draining process to a relatively simple task. Filled with bureaucracy and people who think they are ten times more important and smart than they actually are. It is these places that make my life miserable. I am in such a place now, a place where each day seems to drain away a part of my soul that I will never get back. Like a tick sucking dry my life blood. It may not be overtly horrible, but it eats at your core and before you have realized what is going on, you are forever changed. An empty husk, like an ancient king that has all but sunken in and become part of his throne, oh, but once he knew glory and honor. That is how these places make me feel. Have you ever been in a place where you knew you out shined your peers and leadership alike. A place where all of your potential and the skills you have worked hard to hone, sharpened over time, skills that once you were recognized for, are all but gone. Wasted away with the rest of your soul from having no place to put them to use. Having you hands tied when you know you could help, having your responsibility taken away when you know you could share the burden. A place where you wanted, or even needed to help in order to stay sane, but you were held to a position that a child could easily fulfill? That is where I stand today. This place makes me question my goals, makes me wonder, do I really want to do this for X years? Once I thought this was the only job for me, I couldn't be happier doing anything else, but a place like this makes you question yourself, makes you doubt who or what you really are. It is times like these when people become desperate, searching for a way, any way out. How much would I give up to just be out of this place, to be any other place in the world? How far could I push myself to get out, how much pain can I suffer if it would only lead to escape. What deal would I make, bridges would I burn? Who ever knows the best way to progress? Do you try to outshine and show how your potential and skills would be better used elsewhere? Or do you make them hate you and wish they were rid of you so it will be easier to leave? But hey, there are supposed to be systems in place to deal with issues like this right? There are supposed to be ways to report unfit leadership. What if every step of the ladder was rotten? Hey, you have a ladder right, but do you trust it enough to actually try and climb it? And every one has faults, even you or I, I complain about you, then you complain about me, but I am the employee and you are the boss, who wins? It sure isn't me. So now I ask myself, where do I go from here. Do I resign myself to suffer at this place until my time to move comes again, or can I push the gears and make things move along faster? Or maybe I can just skip this whole machine and move on to the next one. Unfortunately, at this time, options are limited, my position has little leverage, and the system is broken. We shall see where fate guides and sanity ends.

Wait for it...

I know that I have not written in quite some time. I apologize for the break, life has been quite busy and I do have a lot to get out. I will be writing tonight, hopefully I can get it out, but it will probably take multiple sessions. To be continued...

Life?

What is the purpose of Life? A question that has plagued mankind since, well the beginning of mankind. Whether you believe that beginning was in Creation or through the slow process of Evolution, it matters not. Why are we here? I have reflected upon this subject time and again throughout my own life and have never really come up with a satisfying answer. I may in all likelihood never come up with an answer. I do believe that I can brush against an idea that may in some way be an inkling of the true answer. That is the case this morning. My life has been tumultuous of late. New beginnings, the ending of some and the rekindling of others. Life long worries come to fruition, and new obstacles to overcome. Whatever seems to come my way, only adds to the question of why, what does it mean, and is there even a reason to keep up the good struggle of achieving happiness? I look back on last night and I believe I see part of this answer. I have spent a large, probably too large of an amount of time pondering my life, where it has been, and if I have wasted opportunities in my life. I think that I have wasted more opportunities than I would like to admit. There are so many times in life when you are faced with a simple decision. To forsake responsibility and logic to do something amazing and memorable, or to follow logic and "Act like an adult" to keep life on track for the goal of being a success. I believe that I have followed logic far too often in my life, and consequently slowly drained all of the fun and excitement from my everyday living. Do you ever wake up looking forward to the day and all that it could bring? When is the last time that you did? For myself, it has been so long I don't remember the last time it happened, most likely sometime when I was much younger and with less to worry about. I haven't stopped to smell the roses since I was a child, in so long I wonder if I remember what the roses even smell like. It is these thoughts that bring me to a, while most likely partial, answer to the original question. What is the purpose of Life? Well, maybe not even a partial answer to that question, but a similar one. What makes Life worth living? That is the important question. I think it is a combination of two things. Experiences and Connections. Your life is custom made to fulfill all of the experiences you have ever dreamed of, it is only up to you to decide to go out and do them. Have you ever met someone and started a conversation, and in that conversation you realize that this person has done so many things you wish you would have or have always wanted to do? What makes them so much better than you that they get to do those things and you don't? Oh you have too much responsibility, too many bills, not enough money, no free time? It was a conversation similar to this that made me realize, I have missed so much. Another question, (I know I pose quite a few of those), do you have a person in your life right now, that has constantly asked you time and again to get out and take part in an activity? That person who can at any given time come up with something to do, there is always a way to have fun or a game to play or a place to visit? I have one of those in my life. It has been part of this realization that saddens me. I HAVE had the opportunity to do all of those things I want, I HAVE had the chance to take full advantage of life, and I just said no to them. I have always said no, I have always had a logically justified and financially sound reason to not take part. Looking back on these past years, I now see so clearly that those years are empty, a barren wasteland of forgotten opportunity, locked doors in a never ending hallway, that, at one time were open to me, but I had only one chance to take them, and I didn't. It is realizing that, once in a lifetime chances happen, every single day, because every day is once in a lifetime, every second should be used to create, to explore, to do something beautiful with your life, or your life will have passed by and you will not even remember what it is like to have lived. This was a two part answer though. The second part, Connections. Not business connections, or LAN connections, or connections like the hook ups you get for knowing the guy at your local bar. The connections you share with the people in your life whether friend, family or foe. Yes experiences are great, but what are they without someone to share them with, someone to motivate you, or even antagonize you. One person alone is a life, but it is not what Life is. You must reach out and touch somebody (not physically, I take no responsibility for anyone who get charged with sexual harrasment). I leave it to you, to make a new friend, or a new enemy, to bring emotion into your life, and to take every chance life gives you to create your own memory, live your own dream, and... have a life worth living. I know that I begin that struggle today.

What lies ahead

Today I have a lot on my mind and yet not much to write about. My life seems balanced on the edge of change. I know that soon my life will take a dramatic turn, it is just that I do not know where that turn will lead me. I have many events that seem to be flying at me as if they were road signs on the side of a highway. I am not quite sure if I am ready for them. I don't want to be going to fast and pass by looking over my shoulder and asking myself "What did that say?" Some of these changes are expected, one being I am starting college classes in August. Others I have no idea what twists and turns lie ahead. There are new friendships being forged, hopefully the first few of many to come. Old relationships may be dieing, or may be re-igniting in flame like never before. I know that I am not happy with my place in life as of right now, although I do think that I am about to have vast improvement in the oncoming months. I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a vast chasm. So large that I can not see the other side and yet I sense something is there, obscured by mists that are ever changing and yet a constant part of this place. I can feel the moisture of the mist brush against my face and flow into my lungs as I breath the cool air. Goosebumps rise on my exposed skin and a constant but shifting breeze whispers through. I know that soon I will step off the edge of this chasm and nothing will ever be the same. It is only a question of how soon will I take that one tiny step?

Can I?

Today I struggle through a battle of epic porportions with the wickedly ingenious and mightiest enemy anyone could ever face. It is like fighting a ninja so great he could only be Chuck Norris' Dad, and me armed with only a spoon and blindfolded. Being a ninja myself, I am able to survive, but can I possibly win against such a supreme power. He erodes my warrior's edge with small feints and subtle attacks on my defenses. It is a long battle, stretching over days, months, decades. Yet, the battle with this age old enemy has been taken to a new level today. A weakness that had not been brought to the forefront of this war until today has been brought before me. It wears on my resolve, slowly tearing me down until all I want to do is lay down and beg for the gracious gift of mercy. I can not give in though. I must stay alert and prepared to fend off attacks at all hours and from any direction. The enemy is a master of mental games as he parades my weakness and yearnings in front of my eyes, watching for any slip in which he could take advantage. It takes gargantuan effort and an iron will to maintain my vigilance throughout the day and into the night. A seemingly impossible task before me, yet I must not waiver... The enemy that is so wicked, adept, cunning, this foe that pressures me to my breaking point and dares me to give in, is none other than... MYSELF.

In plain english, I am having a battle with my will power and self discipline. Weigh-ins are tomorrow and I have been fasting since yesterday. I am so hungry and thirsty that every commercial, radio add and restaurant's sweet inviting glow, is torture to me. To think that I have sweet, sweet water just a few feet away that will take little more effort than standing and pouring it before I could enjoy it's delicious cooling refreshment. Think of the stocked kitchen of groceries and all of the savory morsels of food that I could cook and then relish in each magnificent bite. Oh woe is me, for I can not let even one crumb touch these lips for fear that I will not make weight. The torture that one puts themselves through to accomplish goals in this life.

Okay that is all, and I really am hungry... and thirsty. Just wanted to make a more upbeat blog than we have seen so far. Hope you enjoyed my awe-inspiring use of the English language (or lack there of).

Torn

After staying awake for 24 hours straight followed by a slight nap, today is a day that seems to have floated by and yet sped past in short bursts of time where I am not sure that I did anything or I did too much. I am not even sure what is going on in my life, where I stand, or where/what I am looking to do next. Who can ever understand what the terms of a "break" are, and why we even try to take them. Is this okay, is that wrong, what will happen when such and such comes up. I am so worn out that I don't know if the better thing to do is continue to struggle or to give in to the almost overwhelming urge to try something newer, younger, fresher, funner, more alive, and with less problems. When you are on one side of the fence you only ever see the good things about the other side. You see how green it is and how pretty the sky looks from over there, the houses are nicer on that side and the sun shines more on that side and everything just seems to exude happy thoughts and attractive offers. You never see the brown dead spots of grass or how the egdes haven't been trimmed in months or that big swamp on the other side of the hill. How do you decide when to jump and when to stay in the safe zone. Some would say "Follow your heart" or "Do what feels right" or some other customary type psuedo-supporting statement. Everyone knows those kind of things never really help anyone. How do you take "I need time apart but I want to talk and still communicate with you all the time." Everything seems to be like doing two opposite actions at the same time and expecting the results of neither one. When is it time to raise the white flag, throw in the towel and say, I want something different in this life. I am wasting time and need to find something that is truly fulfilling. What if you are just in a moment of weakness and there really is nothing out there that could ever be better for you. Then do you miss your opportunity or will Fate deem you worthy of a second chance after you have slapped your first one in the face and laughed while you walked away. How can one mind, one body, one soul (maybe) want so many different things at the same time that you are not sure if you will be able to hold yourself together long enough to determine which course to take? Another question, how is it that all of this can be going on and yet on the outside no one can tell? Then, is there even a proper way, or do you even have the right to try and bring someone else into this maelstom of emotions and whirling thoughts and urges? Can you just let go of responsibility and let the course of life take you where it will? That is what I truly believe I want. I want to give myself to this world and flow in its changing currents to see how exciting and alive one can truly feel. Yet, I am reserved to actually make such a decision. What if, what I perceive as a flowing current is really only a pond and I go nowhere other than where I have already been? That is the fear that grips me now and holds me solid in place, unable to push forward to a new era of living or to fall back to what I have known before. For now I wait, and wonder, will there be any signs or maybe a person who will open that door and take my hand to jump through with me, or will I spend eternity forlornly staring at a door I am too weak to pass through?

Longing

I sit here, forced to stay awake by a job that slowly drains and wears on my convictions and I wonder, ponder, think, wish and imagine. Many things can run through ones mind when it is taken out of the normal patterns it has grown accustomed to. I brood about my life and what is wrong with it, why is it turning out the way it is, is it me or is it outside of my control? I just finished reading my Men's Health magazine and all of its wonderful tips on life, love, health and women. I wonder if I am choosing the right path or do I need to give others in my life yet another chance. When do you decide that someone has had too many second chances? Can people change or not? I think that change is possible in every person, but what decides whether they are successful? I say it is them that decides, each person must decide for themselves whether they are to be successful or whether they will let their goals fade and die before their very own eyes. It matters not what I, or anyone else known to them, no matter how close, says or does, to try and help when the person does not have have it in themselves, the drive to fulfill what needs done. Then I must look at myself in the mirror and wonder, do I have what it takes to do what needs be done? Could I survive in ______'s situation? All of these can lead to a multitude of questions ranging from is there are Creator, to why should I continue, to what now? If something you have bet your life on and promised to never give up on fails? What is next? Can my or your pride swallow our own words and work to re-establish everything we just lost after working years to establish it? What does a person do when everything they once enjoyed in life seems to have seeped through the cracks and disappeared without you ever knowing there was even a tiny leak. Is life meant to slowly become less and less....well worth living? I think it is not, and I hope to find a reason, a way, to change my very own thinking process to include fun again. To find enjoyment in everything I do and look forward to everyday. I... well I hope, and that is all I am doing for now.

Robotics

Have you ever stopped to think, and wonder what your life is actually about? I have had this thought recently, and recently means this morning. What is my life? I wake up five days a week and go to work, I come home and maybe make dinner for myself...maybe not. I do the same thing everyday with no major changes in sight for my future. Do I want to do this for the rest of my life? I used to think so...but maybe I don't. What other possibilities for my life are there? Am I living my life to the fullest? I would dare to say that I am not, and I could, do, accomplish, and enjoy so much more of what is out there. Am I a pre-programmed robot running my daily protocol for no other reason than that is what I am supposed to do. Sometimes I forget what it would be like to be able to decide, I don't want to shave today or I want my hair to be neon green or I want to wear a blue shirt. Does that mean I am slowly losing myself to this repititious cycle or is it that I just don't live like I have something to for? Has my dream of a career changed so drastically and yet so subtly that I slowly began to wonder why I am even here anymore? Do I just need to throw a wrench in the machine to change it up or take a break to see if I can even enjoy myself once again. And what about a partner? Does that relationship get doomed to the same fate of growing old and boring and tired of one another? How can you keep yourself interested in another person for so long? These are all questions I ponder in my hours of idle sleeplessness when my brain says I should be out of bed but my body just doesn't seem to agree. Maybe I will just have to go find a big wrench to change things up, or a new relationship that will give my life a spark to start the fire that burned out with me never noticing until it was all blackness. One last flitting thought, am I alone in this questioning of myself and my life or do other souls out there, such as your own, wonder how you have gotten to this place of monotony and well....and nothing.

The Original

This is called the original for a reason, it is the one, the truth and the first. I do not specifically have a goal in mind for this collection, or soon to be collection, of random thoughts, gripes, meanderings, maybe even philosophical debates or the questioning of life itself and the real meaning behind such a powerful and never ending subject. This is more a project of mental health, or maybe thoughts of genius, or more likely thoughts of a life less interesting than your own. What if these ramblings do interest more than myself, well then perhaps minds like the one I currently have are not alone in this convoluted path that winds through a so called life. I hope that you will join me on this voyage, maybe consider it a quest, through the inner workings or outer workings, or just workings of a mind, well my mind, and a life, that has been rather misguided but yet may be a prodigy of some sort.