Girls and boys...

Why is it that the opposite sex, no matter how old or young you may be, always has the ability to stir such amazing feelings within you? One would think that as we age, those butterflies and sparks of the teenage years would wane. That the overflowing nervous energy would not be able to paralyze us as it did on the night of our first kiss. Yet, here we are, in our 20's, 30's, 40's and maybe further on, and struck dumb with those same feelings. I had to actually stop myself recently, as I busied myself around my messy house, maybe loading the dishwasher or some other menial task, I actually stopped. Froze, as the thought struck me. My mind whirled me back to a picture of myself as a small boy, holding a hand picked dandelion behind my back as I nervously approached a pretty girl. Cheeks flushed, feeling the heat radiate from my body, wondering what would happen, thinking that the next few seconds would determine the rest of my life. There, standing in my kitchen, of my home that I own, a 24 year old man (some may argue still a boy, but that is beside the point), I realized that I was struck with the very same feeling. That, what can only be described (if it can be described at all) as a nervous, almost giddy, energy. How is it that, we are able to have those feelings over and over again, as if the world rests on what happens in those next seconds, minutes, hours... It is something that I have not yet been able to understand. The same with how we can watch someone, while we are sitting with them on the couch, or laying side by side in bed, maybe even at dinner with a group of friends, we can see all of the small things. How they twirl their hair, the way the corners of their eyes crinkle when they laugh, the way they absently brush against your arm or back, how that one piece of hair never seems to stay put and falls down, yet they never seem to understand and sweep it back again and again. All in an instant, you can take it in. How seconds can seem like lifetimes and lifetimes like only seconds. It is amazing what infatuation does to us, these frail human beings that we are.

People often say there is no such thing as magic, but how can that be. When a simple look can enspell you, a touch can light you on fire, and a tear can break your heart. Is this not magic? I have to say that it feels that way. Can you think of anything that will stop a man in his tracks faster than a shy smile from a girl? Or that can set a 30 year old woman to giggling like a school girl more than that sly smirk from a man. How is it that total strangers can walk by on the street and instantly connect in nothing but a single look? I am amazed, every time these feelings hit, hit me like a cement truck, and seemingly out of no where. I can go through days, weeks, even months without remembering more than one or two things I did, said, ate or even where I went. Yet, I can remember a thousand things from only five minutes spent with a girl that has....it (how else do you say it?). I can't remember what I wore last weekend, but why can I remember what she wore, her hair, earrings, how she smiled, laughed, the look from across the room, how her hair smelled when she laid her head on my shoulder, the feeling of her hand in mine, the way everything she did or said was in some way endearing, cute even. How is it that we can lose ourselves in those moments?

I fear and rejoice in the fact that I do not understand these things. For in my fear I always see that rejection. I see that little girl that doesn't swoon for my dandelion. The one that lets my heart fall to the ground along with my hopes and daydreams of what tomorrow would have brought. And yet I must rejoice, for without that fear, the little girl who blushes and kisses my cheek in thanks for my little yellow flower, would not be as sweet. As I grow older in my years (if not in my mind), I hope that I will always be able to be that little boy once again. For without that little boy, with his hand picked dandelion, there would be no sweetness in that little girls kiss...

Re-Inventing the wheel, amongst other things...

I don't know if anyone ever noticed, but I have been, well, you could say "out of the loop" for a while. While I have been in the same physical place (except for a few absences home and for training) my mind has been to what feels like the ends of the universe and back, multiple times... Working through the emotional and mental Olympics of the holidays while going through a separation/divorce and trying to help guide my siblings along a life path that doesn't end in drug addiction and jail, I wish that I could say life has been quite swell. It hasn't, but I believe that since I am here, that is changing. I am finally coming back to one of the things I truly love, which is right here writing for me, well I guess and you too (maybe). Hopefully on a more routine basis, and content ripe with, well something interesting to keep me here (and yes to keep you here as well). Ok, now that the cliche "I'm back" intro is over, maybe we can move on to some more interesting (if not well written) topics...


I have to say that what really brings me back is that feeling of seeking a reconnection with one's own self. When, for all of life's twists, turns, ups and downs, you know you need to, should we say, get back to the basics. Looking back and asking, how did I get here, in this place, feeling like this. When that urge to pick back up and set all the world right again comes along. The only problem with such feelings is just that, they are feelings, which as in their nature, tend to come and go. I do believe that this surge of... (liveliness, spirit, vitality, zeal?) that I have seems more permanent this time. I think this partially because, I am still having this feeling right now, while my throat is swollen most of the way shut, my stomach roils from the medley of pills (to stop the said swelling of throat), still having to be at work through both of those, and my never quite knowing what is going on in my love life, or lack thereof. I still feel this... energy, as if it begs for release, if but I could find the correct form to let it out in. I think this is that form, although it may need multiple ways out before it is exhausted, I know no such answers as of yet. There have been many thoughts, ideas, and problems that have plagued my measly brain for release into this keyboard. I hope that I can only maintain my grasp on them until the time comes when I can let them flow forth unto you, but there is one that is over powering all others, and it must come first. It will come first, although not right now. Maybe later today, we shall see. Till we meet again...