Simple Choices are Never Easy

As much as I enjoy writing (something I have learned that I really like whereas I used to hate), I find that keeping up my blog can still be difficult. In the beginning my life was ripe with emotion and turbulence and I find that as the dust settles, continuing to commit words to this page becomes increasingly difficult. With the onset of a new class (ironically an English class), one would think I would have more, not less with which to compose my blogs from. As I ponder the situation I think, is it a lack of writing material, or the over all run down exhausted feeling that overwhelms me when I hit the couch, to the point at which I don't want to ever get back up again (or at least for the rest of the night). I do not know what the true reason is as of yet, only that it has become more difficult to fill these pages with the meandering path of my thoughts. Writing tonight there is one subject that repeatedly creeps back into my thoughts and that is what direction I want my education to go. The answer? I really am not sure. I have spent a vast amount of time the last few months in introspection. I have discovered many things about myself that have been surprising. Among them is that I am a very different person from when I was in high school. The two things that I have found to actually enjoy are things that I downright hated in high school. Those are writing and history. Both of which are subjects I am considering to major in. Even now, since I started my blog, it still amazes me every time I write a new entry, how much I enjoy it. I would have never thought that writing and enjoyable would ever be in the same sentence for me, and yet here I am, doing a voluntary writing project. I have also taken a keen interest in history. Well, honestly the interest is actually in mythology. Upon reading a new book series (which you can look at by clicking right HERE...), I was fascinated by all of the different stories and how much more in depth mythology was. It is quite astounding to think that every character in any story is not only a part of that story, but has there own story recorded in myth from the time they were born until the time they died. Sure everyone knows (for example) the story of Hercules, but do you know the story of the girl who showed him how to get past the dragon? She has her very own story. I want to know them all. That all brings me to my current dilema, what course to follow? I understand that, yes, I could major in one and minor in the other. That would also be difficult as mythology is a specialization and writing would require its own specialization. In the time before I started planning my education, when I would hear about people who spent three or four years in college and still hadn't chosen a major, or people who had changed majors three or four times, I would think that they were incompetent, lazy, inexperienced or just lacked the strength to make a decision and stick with it. Now that, that same decision is weighing upon my mind, I understand how that could happen. It is a huge choice to make, one that could easily go awry where you thought it was smooth sailing. With all of this, the more I think and the more classes I attend, I get further from an answer, not closer. I know that I need some guidance and input from personnel who work the field, and I suppose that is where my next step will take me. I would love to have some feedback or a point of contact. Until next...

Wonder Where to Wander

Today is a day full of opposites. It has been such a long and draining day, it is normally one of the longest of the week anyways, but now that I have added to that the massive partying of last night and the class I am taking after work, it just seems to never end. Today also seemed short and to have passed by far too quickly. One thing is strange though. As much as my daily work routine drives me further into hating my life, I feel I am ending my day with a sense of accomplishment and well just good.. following my class tonight. I am very pleased to say I rather enjoyed my English 111 class. When I first started this blog, although how not very long ago that was, I realized that contrary to my previous school career, I rather enjoy writing. I even thought, what if I could get a column or some "real" writing position? The more I think about this the more I find myself wondering if I could really get into something like that, and would I actually enjoy it if I did? Honestly I don't know, if it were my actual job, would I enjoy it as much, with actual deadlines and forced to provide a certain amount of material a week or month? Would that drain the fun right out of it, or would it inspire me to rise to greater heights in an effort to really sharpen my craft? This is where class tonight comes in. Today our only assignment was to simply write a narrative in first person about us or that we were involved in, a true story. Assignments are always a difficulty when the topic is left up for my own decision. Being the rebel and true smart ass that I am, I decided the perfect story would be about how I always have to come up with a topic to write about. It was fun, and I was able to fulfill my need for sarcasm while accomplishing the assignment all at the same time. I turned in my assignment and shyly asked my professor if she could read my paper and let me know what she thought. I waited, on pins and needles wondering if she would find my style adequately humorous or down right rude. I slightly relaxed when I heard here chuckle to herself a couple three or four times and waited as patiently as I could until she finished my measly four page, double spaced, assignment. As she finished reading she looked up at me and laughing with a smile in her eyes and told me that she really enjoyed my writing style and that she wrote in a similar fashion. I can't wait until next class to linger behind and further discuss my writing and maybe even a possible future in such a career field. As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, it seems to be As of right now, I wonder to myself why I waited so long to get back into school and where this winding path will lead.

Places...

Today, aahhh today, what a day. Have you ever been at that point in life where you look at what is going on and realize, "If I stay in this situation, job, spot, whatever, that I am in right now, I am going to be absolutely miserable." I hit that spot today. I am in the military. Now, I love my job, what I do not love is that I rarely get to actually do my real job, that is the job that I was trained to do, the job that I enjoy and the job that I enlisted for. My job is one of those that only gets done while deployed, only a job that is applicable when there is an enemy or a mission. Otherwise, I get stuck on other jobs. It is those other jobs that I detest. It is these other jobs that fill my time between deployments, fill most of my years of service. Now don't get me wrong, how good or bad thes other jobs are, depends on the unit you are with at the time. Some are pretty good, with relaxed people who use common sense and understand that the time between being gone is the most important time and shouldn't be wasted. Then there are other places that never really understand or have the insight into the big picture and what is important. THey are filled with tedious procedures that have no other purpose than to provide a lengthy and draining process to a relatively simple task. Filled with bureaucracy and people who think they are ten times more important and smart than they actually are. It is these places that make my life miserable. I am in such a place now, a place where each day seems to drain away a part of my soul that I will never get back. Like a tick sucking dry my life blood. It may not be overtly horrible, but it eats at your core and before you have realized what is going on, you are forever changed. An empty husk, like an ancient king that has all but sunken in and become part of his throne, oh, but once he knew glory and honor. That is how these places make me feel. Have you ever been in a place where you knew you out shined your peers and leadership alike. A place where all of your potential and the skills you have worked hard to hone, sharpened over time, skills that once you were recognized for, are all but gone. Wasted away with the rest of your soul from having no place to put them to use. Having you hands tied when you know you could help, having your responsibility taken away when you know you could share the burden. A place where you wanted, or even needed to help in order to stay sane, but you were held to a position that a child could easily fulfill? That is where I stand today. This place makes me question my goals, makes me wonder, do I really want to do this for X years? Once I thought this was the only job for me, I couldn't be happier doing anything else, but a place like this makes you question yourself, makes you doubt who or what you really are. It is times like these when people become desperate, searching for a way, any way out. How much would I give up to just be out of this place, to be any other place in the world? How far could I push myself to get out, how much pain can I suffer if it would only lead to escape. What deal would I make, bridges would I burn? Who ever knows the best way to progress? Do you try to outshine and show how your potential and skills would be better used elsewhere? Or do you make them hate you and wish they were rid of you so it will be easier to leave? But hey, there are supposed to be systems in place to deal with issues like this right? There are supposed to be ways to report unfit leadership. What if every step of the ladder was rotten? Hey, you have a ladder right, but do you trust it enough to actually try and climb it? And every one has faults, even you or I, I complain about you, then you complain about me, but I am the employee and you are the boss, who wins? It sure isn't me. So now I ask myself, where do I go from here. Do I resign myself to suffer at this place until my time to move comes again, or can I push the gears and make things move along faster? Or maybe I can just skip this whole machine and move on to the next one. Unfortunately, at this time, options are limited, my position has little leverage, and the system is broken. We shall see where fate guides and sanity ends.

Wait for it...

I know that I have not written in quite some time. I apologize for the break, life has been quite busy and I do have a lot to get out. I will be writing tonight, hopefully I can get it out, but it will probably take multiple sessions. To be continued...