Life?

What is the purpose of Life? A question that has plagued mankind since, well the beginning of mankind. Whether you believe that beginning was in Creation or through the slow process of Evolution, it matters not. Why are we here? I have reflected upon this subject time and again throughout my own life and have never really come up with a satisfying answer. I may in all likelihood never come up with an answer. I do believe that I can brush against an idea that may in some way be an inkling of the true answer. That is the case this morning. My life has been tumultuous of late. New beginnings, the ending of some and the rekindling of others. Life long worries come to fruition, and new obstacles to overcome. Whatever seems to come my way, only adds to the question of why, what does it mean, and is there even a reason to keep up the good struggle of achieving happiness? I look back on last night and I believe I see part of this answer. I have spent a large, probably too large of an amount of time pondering my life, where it has been, and if I have wasted opportunities in my life. I think that I have wasted more opportunities than I would like to admit. There are so many times in life when you are faced with a simple decision. To forsake responsibility and logic to do something amazing and memorable, or to follow logic and "Act like an adult" to keep life on track for the goal of being a success. I believe that I have followed logic far too often in my life, and consequently slowly drained all of the fun and excitement from my everyday living. Do you ever wake up looking forward to the day and all that it could bring? When is the last time that you did? For myself, it has been so long I don't remember the last time it happened, most likely sometime when I was much younger and with less to worry about. I haven't stopped to smell the roses since I was a child, in so long I wonder if I remember what the roses even smell like. It is these thoughts that bring me to a, while most likely partial, answer to the original question. What is the purpose of Life? Well, maybe not even a partial answer to that question, but a similar one. What makes Life worth living? That is the important question. I think it is a combination of two things. Experiences and Connections. Your life is custom made to fulfill all of the experiences you have ever dreamed of, it is only up to you to decide to go out and do them. Have you ever met someone and started a conversation, and in that conversation you realize that this person has done so many things you wish you would have or have always wanted to do? What makes them so much better than you that they get to do those things and you don't? Oh you have too much responsibility, too many bills, not enough money, no free time? It was a conversation similar to this that made me realize, I have missed so much. Another question, (I know I pose quite a few of those), do you have a person in your life right now, that has constantly asked you time and again to get out and take part in an activity? That person who can at any given time come up with something to do, there is always a way to have fun or a game to play or a place to visit? I have one of those in my life. It has been part of this realization that saddens me. I HAVE had the opportunity to do all of those things I want, I HAVE had the chance to take full advantage of life, and I just said no to them. I have always said no, I have always had a logically justified and financially sound reason to not take part. Looking back on these past years, I now see so clearly that those years are empty, a barren wasteland of forgotten opportunity, locked doors in a never ending hallway, that, at one time were open to me, but I had only one chance to take them, and I didn't. It is realizing that, once in a lifetime chances happen, every single day, because every day is once in a lifetime, every second should be used to create, to explore, to do something beautiful with your life, or your life will have passed by and you will not even remember what it is like to have lived. This was a two part answer though. The second part, Connections. Not business connections, or LAN connections, or connections like the hook ups you get for knowing the guy at your local bar. The connections you share with the people in your life whether friend, family or foe. Yes experiences are great, but what are they without someone to share them with, someone to motivate you, or even antagonize you. One person alone is a life, but it is not what Life is. You must reach out and touch somebody (not physically, I take no responsibility for anyone who get charged with sexual harrasment). I leave it to you, to make a new friend, or a new enemy, to bring emotion into your life, and to take every chance life gives you to create your own memory, live your own dream, and... have a life worth living. I know that I begin that struggle today.

What lies ahead

Today I have a lot on my mind and yet not much to write about. My life seems balanced on the edge of change. I know that soon my life will take a dramatic turn, it is just that I do not know where that turn will lead me. I have many events that seem to be flying at me as if they were road signs on the side of a highway. I am not quite sure if I am ready for them. I don't want to be going to fast and pass by looking over my shoulder and asking myself "What did that say?" Some of these changes are expected, one being I am starting college classes in August. Others I have no idea what twists and turns lie ahead. There are new friendships being forged, hopefully the first few of many to come. Old relationships may be dieing, or may be re-igniting in flame like never before. I know that I am not happy with my place in life as of right now, although I do think that I am about to have vast improvement in the oncoming months. I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a vast chasm. So large that I can not see the other side and yet I sense something is there, obscured by mists that are ever changing and yet a constant part of this place. I can feel the moisture of the mist brush against my face and flow into my lungs as I breath the cool air. Goosebumps rise on my exposed skin and a constant but shifting breeze whispers through. I know that soon I will step off the edge of this chasm and nothing will ever be the same. It is only a question of how soon will I take that one tiny step?

Can I?

Today I struggle through a battle of epic porportions with the wickedly ingenious and mightiest enemy anyone could ever face. It is like fighting a ninja so great he could only be Chuck Norris' Dad, and me armed with only a spoon and blindfolded. Being a ninja myself, I am able to survive, but can I possibly win against such a supreme power. He erodes my warrior's edge with small feints and subtle attacks on my defenses. It is a long battle, stretching over days, months, decades. Yet, the battle with this age old enemy has been taken to a new level today. A weakness that had not been brought to the forefront of this war until today has been brought before me. It wears on my resolve, slowly tearing me down until all I want to do is lay down and beg for the gracious gift of mercy. I can not give in though. I must stay alert and prepared to fend off attacks at all hours and from any direction. The enemy is a master of mental games as he parades my weakness and yearnings in front of my eyes, watching for any slip in which he could take advantage. It takes gargantuan effort and an iron will to maintain my vigilance throughout the day and into the night. A seemingly impossible task before me, yet I must not waiver... The enemy that is so wicked, adept, cunning, this foe that pressures me to my breaking point and dares me to give in, is none other than... MYSELF.

In plain english, I am having a battle with my will power and self discipline. Weigh-ins are tomorrow and I have been fasting since yesterday. I am so hungry and thirsty that every commercial, radio add and restaurant's sweet inviting glow, is torture to me. To think that I have sweet, sweet water just a few feet away that will take little more effort than standing and pouring it before I could enjoy it's delicious cooling refreshment. Think of the stocked kitchen of groceries and all of the savory morsels of food that I could cook and then relish in each magnificent bite. Oh woe is me, for I can not let even one crumb touch these lips for fear that I will not make weight. The torture that one puts themselves through to accomplish goals in this life.

Okay that is all, and I really am hungry... and thirsty. Just wanted to make a more upbeat blog than we have seen so far. Hope you enjoyed my awe-inspiring use of the English language (or lack there of).

Torn

After staying awake for 24 hours straight followed by a slight nap, today is a day that seems to have floated by and yet sped past in short bursts of time where I am not sure that I did anything or I did too much. I am not even sure what is going on in my life, where I stand, or where/what I am looking to do next. Who can ever understand what the terms of a "break" are, and why we even try to take them. Is this okay, is that wrong, what will happen when such and such comes up. I am so worn out that I don't know if the better thing to do is continue to struggle or to give in to the almost overwhelming urge to try something newer, younger, fresher, funner, more alive, and with less problems. When you are on one side of the fence you only ever see the good things about the other side. You see how green it is and how pretty the sky looks from over there, the houses are nicer on that side and the sun shines more on that side and everything just seems to exude happy thoughts and attractive offers. You never see the brown dead spots of grass or how the egdes haven't been trimmed in months or that big swamp on the other side of the hill. How do you decide when to jump and when to stay in the safe zone. Some would say "Follow your heart" or "Do what feels right" or some other customary type psuedo-supporting statement. Everyone knows those kind of things never really help anyone. How do you take "I need time apart but I want to talk and still communicate with you all the time." Everything seems to be like doing two opposite actions at the same time and expecting the results of neither one. When is it time to raise the white flag, throw in the towel and say, I want something different in this life. I am wasting time and need to find something that is truly fulfilling. What if you are just in a moment of weakness and there really is nothing out there that could ever be better for you. Then do you miss your opportunity or will Fate deem you worthy of a second chance after you have slapped your first one in the face and laughed while you walked away. How can one mind, one body, one soul (maybe) want so many different things at the same time that you are not sure if you will be able to hold yourself together long enough to determine which course to take? Another question, how is it that all of this can be going on and yet on the outside no one can tell? Then, is there even a proper way, or do you even have the right to try and bring someone else into this maelstom of emotions and whirling thoughts and urges? Can you just let go of responsibility and let the course of life take you where it will? That is what I truly believe I want. I want to give myself to this world and flow in its changing currents to see how exciting and alive one can truly feel. Yet, I am reserved to actually make such a decision. What if, what I perceive as a flowing current is really only a pond and I go nowhere other than where I have already been? That is the fear that grips me now and holds me solid in place, unable to push forward to a new era of living or to fall back to what I have known before. For now I wait, and wonder, will there be any signs or maybe a person who will open that door and take my hand to jump through with me, or will I spend eternity forlornly staring at a door I am too weak to pass through?

Longing

I sit here, forced to stay awake by a job that slowly drains and wears on my convictions and I wonder, ponder, think, wish and imagine. Many things can run through ones mind when it is taken out of the normal patterns it has grown accustomed to. I brood about my life and what is wrong with it, why is it turning out the way it is, is it me or is it outside of my control? I just finished reading my Men's Health magazine and all of its wonderful tips on life, love, health and women. I wonder if I am choosing the right path or do I need to give others in my life yet another chance. When do you decide that someone has had too many second chances? Can people change or not? I think that change is possible in every person, but what decides whether they are successful? I say it is them that decides, each person must decide for themselves whether they are to be successful or whether they will let their goals fade and die before their very own eyes. It matters not what I, or anyone else known to them, no matter how close, says or does, to try and help when the person does not have have it in themselves, the drive to fulfill what needs done. Then I must look at myself in the mirror and wonder, do I have what it takes to do what needs be done? Could I survive in ______'s situation? All of these can lead to a multitude of questions ranging from is there are Creator, to why should I continue, to what now? If something you have bet your life on and promised to never give up on fails? What is next? Can my or your pride swallow our own words and work to re-establish everything we just lost after working years to establish it? What does a person do when everything they once enjoyed in life seems to have seeped through the cracks and disappeared without you ever knowing there was even a tiny leak. Is life meant to slowly become less and less....well worth living? I think it is not, and I hope to find a reason, a way, to change my very own thinking process to include fun again. To find enjoyment in everything I do and look forward to everyday. I... well I hope, and that is all I am doing for now.

Robotics

Have you ever stopped to think, and wonder what your life is actually about? I have had this thought recently, and recently means this morning. What is my life? I wake up five days a week and go to work, I come home and maybe make dinner for myself...maybe not. I do the same thing everyday with no major changes in sight for my future. Do I want to do this for the rest of my life? I used to think so...but maybe I don't. What other possibilities for my life are there? Am I living my life to the fullest? I would dare to say that I am not, and I could, do, accomplish, and enjoy so much more of what is out there. Am I a pre-programmed robot running my daily protocol for no other reason than that is what I am supposed to do. Sometimes I forget what it would be like to be able to decide, I don't want to shave today or I want my hair to be neon green or I want to wear a blue shirt. Does that mean I am slowly losing myself to this repititious cycle or is it that I just don't live like I have something to for? Has my dream of a career changed so drastically and yet so subtly that I slowly began to wonder why I am even here anymore? Do I just need to throw a wrench in the machine to change it up or take a break to see if I can even enjoy myself once again. And what about a partner? Does that relationship get doomed to the same fate of growing old and boring and tired of one another? How can you keep yourself interested in another person for so long? These are all questions I ponder in my hours of idle sleeplessness when my brain says I should be out of bed but my body just doesn't seem to agree. Maybe I will just have to go find a big wrench to change things up, or a new relationship that will give my life a spark to start the fire that burned out with me never noticing until it was all blackness. One last flitting thought, am I alone in this questioning of myself and my life or do other souls out there, such as your own, wonder how you have gotten to this place of monotony and well....and nothing.

The Original

This is called the original for a reason, it is the one, the truth and the first. I do not specifically have a goal in mind for this collection, or soon to be collection, of random thoughts, gripes, meanderings, maybe even philosophical debates or the questioning of life itself and the real meaning behind such a powerful and never ending subject. This is more a project of mental health, or maybe thoughts of genius, or more likely thoughts of a life less interesting than your own. What if these ramblings do interest more than myself, well then perhaps minds like the one I currently have are not alone in this convoluted path that winds through a so called life. I hope that you will join me on this voyage, maybe consider it a quest, through the inner workings or outer workings, or just workings of a mind, well my mind, and a life, that has been rather misguided but yet may be a prodigy of some sort.