Why is it that the opposite sex, no matter how old or young you may be, always has the ability to stir such amazing feelings within you? One would think that as we age, those butterflies and sparks of the teenage years would wane. That the overflowing nervous energy would not be able to paralyze us as it did on the night of our first kiss. Yet, here we are, in our 20's, 30's, 40's and maybe further on, and struck dumb with those same feelings. I had to actually stop myself recently, as I busied myself around my messy house, maybe loading the dishwasher or some other menial task, I actually stopped. Froze, as the thought struck me. My mind whirled me back to a picture of myself as a small boy, holding a hand picked dandelion behind my back as I nervously approached a pretty girl. Cheeks flushed, feeling the heat radiate from my body, wondering what would happen, thinking that the next few seconds would determine the rest of my life. There, standing in my kitchen, of my home that I own, a 24 year old man (some may argue still a boy, but that is beside the point), I realized that I was struck with the very same feeling. That, what can only be described (if it can be described at all) as a nervous, almost giddy, energy. How is it that, we are able to have those feelings over and over again, as if the world rests on what happens in those next seconds, minutes, hours... It is something that I have not yet been able to understand. The same with how we can watch someone, while we are sitting with them on the couch, or laying side by side in bed, maybe even at dinner with a group of friends, we can see all of the small things. How they twirl their hair, the way the corners of their eyes crinkle when they laugh, the way they absently brush against your arm or back, how that one piece of hair never seems to stay put and falls down, yet they never seem to understand and sweep it back again and again. All in an instant, you can take it in. How seconds can seem like lifetimes and lifetimes like only seconds. It is amazing what infatuation does to us, these frail human beings that we are.
People often say there is no such thing as magic, but how can that be. When a simple look can enspell you, a touch can light you on fire, and a tear can break your heart. Is this not magic? I have to say that it feels that way. Can you think of anything that will stop a man in his tracks faster than a shy smile from a girl? Or that can set a 30 year old woman to giggling like a school girl more than that sly smirk from a man. How is it that total strangers can walk by on the street and instantly connect in nothing but a single look? I am amazed, every time these feelings hit, hit me like a cement truck, and seemingly out of no where. I can go through days, weeks, even months without remembering more than one or two things I did, said, ate or even where I went. Yet, I can remember a thousand things from only five minutes spent with a girl that has....it (how else do you say it?). I can't remember what I wore last weekend, but why can I remember what she wore, her hair, earrings, how she smiled, laughed, the look from across the room, how her hair smelled when she laid her head on my shoulder, the feeling of her hand in mine, the way everything she did or said was in some way endearing, cute even. How is it that we can lose ourselves in those moments?
I fear and rejoice in the fact that I do not understand these things. For in my fear I always see that rejection. I see that little girl that doesn't swoon for my dandelion. The one that lets my heart fall to the ground along with my hopes and daydreams of what tomorrow would have brought. And yet I must rejoice, for without that fear, the little girl who blushes and kisses my cheek in thanks for my little yellow flower, would not be as sweet. As I grow older in my years (if not in my mind), I hope that I will always be able to be that little boy once again. For without that little boy, with his hand picked dandelion, there would be no sweetness in that little girls kiss...
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2 comments:
Wow! Thats all I can really say. You pretty much summed up the feling that every person on the planet has had in the instant they realzed that really liked someone. I think part of the magic that comes in the early phases is the countless possiilities that lie ahead of you if the one gril accepts your dandelion or that one boy gives you that dandilion. You see a whole future that is completely different than it was seconds before. This is especially true as we get older. Once we are out of that I jsut want ot have a good time phase. Once we start really wanting and needing that connection to one other human being that will hopefully know you the way no other human beign on the planet will know you, the possibilities with every new crush is exhilerating. In moments your life, heart and future change. We'll never know what could've happened if the boy that didn't give you the dandelion had given to you or if the girl who didn't kiss you cheek had. I still believe that there is a reason those relationships didn't take hold. Its for the hope that the next person you meet who gives you all the butterflies will be that one who takes your dandelion. So you aren't meant to understand why. Just enjoy every new sensation and the thrill of all the what ifs. one day you'll look back on them with the right person and remember how sweet it was that you were nervous the first time you kissed them or asked the out and how silly you were to be that nervous because really how could it have worked out any differently now that you know you've shared so much together.
New love (or like/lust) will always, always feel that way. I'm convinced that for as magical as it all feels, it's primarily chemical. Your body makes you high. And it's friggin awesome. Some are addicted to that feeling and think when it goes away, love leaves with it. And if you're in love with that feeling, I guess love does leave when the high subsides or is just harder to get to. That feeling is so fantastic even emotionally shuttered people like me venture out from time to time searching for it. It's just that good. Even though I know that feeling doesn't last. In my mind it's a place we'll save up to go every now and then once we've traded that high to live among the mortals. We'll work to be amazed with one another again.
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