I know I need to do this, but it seems my motivation is lacking and content unknown to me. I decided to just start writing and let my mind wander and the words flow forth. Which oddly enough is what I normally do anyways, just with a little direction to start with... I am gone from the United States now.... in a country that ends with a "stan" and on my way to another one that ends with a "stan". So I am gone again, away from family and friends, away from convenience and freedom. I sometimes look back on my life and think all I am ever doing is leaving. I wonder why I would think of it that way... Why not see it as always going somewhere instead of always leaving someone? Is it better that I look upon the sadness of leaving loved ones or that I should look to the enjoyment of going new places. Except most of the places I seem to go are not by choice and really aren't that enjoyable. And yet I seem to deal with leaving extraordinarily well compared to most people I know and see. Is it because I was never really close to many people when I was young? Is it because I moved around and lived with different parents? I have no idea, but I hate the idea that calls out to me every time I broach the subject in my mind. That I am good at leaving... If there was something to ever be good at, is this something anyone should want to be good at? Makes me think about the song Should've Been A Cowboy by Toby Keith...
I bet you've never heard ole Marshall Dylan say
Miss Kitty have you ever thought of running away
Settling down would you marry me
If I ask you twice and beg you pretty please
She'd of said Yes in a New York minute
They never tied the knot
His heart wasn't in it
He just stole a kiss as he road away
He never hung his hat up, at Kitty's place
I don't have any problems settling down so it is not that part. But the feeling that I get when I hear this verse that is what it is... I feel like the cowboy in this. He is always leaving, never staying in one place and it never seems to affect him the way it does others... But my heart is in it... I truly love those that I have to leave behind and yet they seem to struggle so much more than I do. I even hate writing this right now. I fear that they will think I must not love them as much as they love me, but that can not be true... I do love them, as much if not more than they love me. Am I just conditioned for leaving or is it my brains ability to compartmentalize that allows me to accept things so easily?
I have learned my whole life to accept change and adapt quickly with a smile and a smart quip to make everything ok. Comedy is my cure, ask anyone who has met me that a smart remark and a sly smile will surely be found where ever it is that I go... so maybe my coping mechanism just works well... I don't know but I still worry. I don't want to be good at leaving, because I never want to leave... Does it being easier for me mean I will have to do it more often? I hope not, but I can not know for sure... I only hope that this talent, or gift, whatever you may want to call it... I only hope that it is here to make my life more enjoyable for me and those I love and not a curse that precedes a miserable existence...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Baby, baby, baby.... of course you knew this would make me cry. Maybe because myself at the moment is an emotional disaster that cannot be put at ease, who knows. This doesn't make me think that you love me any less. I know that you love me just as much as I love the. As long as I have you and the children in my life there will never be a curse that precedes a miserable existence for thy. We took the challenge to love one another, to hold one another and this means through the good and the bad. You have an extraordinary way of shutting your emotions in and not letting them out. You may have some people fooled, but not me. I have sat many times where you never said exactly what your feeling, but I knew something was off. I sit back and I watch your body language, and honey your body language gives you away. The morning that you left and had to leave me behind, not many words were spoken, but they didn't have to be. I watched you hold back the tears, as I felt you trembling while holding me. So yes baby, I know that you love me just as much as I love you. This is the way it has to be at the time, but we are strong we will get through this one day at a time. We may not be together physically, but in mind and spirit we are always together within one another. I love you and I miss you. Even though being miles apart, remember I am still holding your hand and I am not ever letting go.
Post a Comment