Torn

After staying awake for 24 hours straight followed by a slight nap, today is a day that seems to have floated by and yet sped past in short bursts of time where I am not sure that I did anything or I did too much. I am not even sure what is going on in my life, where I stand, or where/what I am looking to do next. Who can ever understand what the terms of a "break" are, and why we even try to take them. Is this okay, is that wrong, what will happen when such and such comes up. I am so worn out that I don't know if the better thing to do is continue to struggle or to give in to the almost overwhelming urge to try something newer, younger, fresher, funner, more alive, and with less problems. When you are on one side of the fence you only ever see the good things about the other side. You see how green it is and how pretty the sky looks from over there, the houses are nicer on that side and the sun shines more on that side and everything just seems to exude happy thoughts and attractive offers. You never see the brown dead spots of grass or how the egdes haven't been trimmed in months or that big swamp on the other side of the hill. How do you decide when to jump and when to stay in the safe zone. Some would say "Follow your heart" or "Do what feels right" or some other customary type psuedo-supporting statement. Everyone knows those kind of things never really help anyone. How do you take "I need time apart but I want to talk and still communicate with you all the time." Everything seems to be like doing two opposite actions at the same time and expecting the results of neither one. When is it time to raise the white flag, throw in the towel and say, I want something different in this life. I am wasting time and need to find something that is truly fulfilling. What if you are just in a moment of weakness and there really is nothing out there that could ever be better for you. Then do you miss your opportunity or will Fate deem you worthy of a second chance after you have slapped your first one in the face and laughed while you walked away. How can one mind, one body, one soul (maybe) want so many different things at the same time that you are not sure if you will be able to hold yourself together long enough to determine which course to take? Another question, how is it that all of this can be going on and yet on the outside no one can tell? Then, is there even a proper way, or do you even have the right to try and bring someone else into this maelstom of emotions and whirling thoughts and urges? Can you just let go of responsibility and let the course of life take you where it will? That is what I truly believe I want. I want to give myself to this world and flow in its changing currents to see how exciting and alive one can truly feel. Yet, I am reserved to actually make such a decision. What if, what I perceive as a flowing current is really only a pond and I go nowhere other than where I have already been? That is the fear that grips me now and holds me solid in place, unable to push forward to a new era of living or to fall back to what I have known before. For now I wait, and wonder, will there be any signs or maybe a person who will open that door and take my hand to jump through with me, or will I spend eternity forlornly staring at a door I am too weak to pass through?